Cafe Hitch-hike

2004-03-29

I felt no need to explain

I dreamed last week that I was in Florida visiting the family of my (biological) father. We were at Uncle Jumpranger's mancion where I was getting really, really bored. In the dream, nobody told me I needed to lose weight, I had to get a different hairstyle, or my career choice wasn't good enough. Nobody was telling me I was too reserved, and nobody was telling me that I needed to be saved and follow Jesus, topics that were the norm for them to tell me. However, I still felt a deep sense of disconnectedness with everyone around me. My father's brothers, their wives, and their kids really weren't talking to me. I was just another person on the landscape. One of my cousins was putting effort in at least trying to talk, but I didn't care. I was just annoyed by his efforts and saw them as shallow attempts. I wasn't putting any effort in talking to him or anyone else.

We all loaded in somebody's SUV to visit someone else. We were going to see Uncle Malph and his wife. I looked a little forward to seeing them again, but when I walked in their place, they acted like they didn't know me. When they finally did, they looked at me as if they expected me to kneel and kiss their hands. I looked back at Malph and his wife, and they looked like they were in their 70s although they're 20 years younger. I decided not to wait for their attention, and talked a bit to my cousin Ann. She was also older; she just finished college and was more interested in her beginning life.

After talking to Ann, I felt fully aware of my place in all of this and how I fit in, and walked out of the house and down the street. Nevermind that I wasn't driving and that I was staying with someone else. I could easily walk back to where I was staying, and I could easily bide my time with them as long as I was there.

I continued walking back to Uncle Jumpranger's, and one of his employees came back to check up on me.

"I'm going back to his house," I said plainly, but with focus. I knew what I wanted to do. I felt no need to explain what I wanted, or to apologize. All I could think about what was waiting for me ahead.

I walked up a hill lined with pines just before I got to JR's place. The hill became snowy, and I put on my winter gear. The snow was white, fluffy, and the sun was shining so bright. I felt joyous and warm. I climbed a tree and then jumped off it into the snow and was laughing, having a fun time by myself. I crawled around in the snow, wiggling, and making snow angels. People walked by, but I took a rest when they did so they wouldn't think I was some roving weirdo running loose in their nice estate. People didn't seem to think strangely of it, so I kept playing in the snow.

I walked down the hill towards my uncle's. The snow was melted at the bottom of the hill where there was a creek. I knew it was warm enough to take off my snowgear. I then rolled up my pants and went topless to wade in the creek. The sun felt warm on me, but my feet were pleasantly chilled by the water.

A man and his kids were fishing nearby. They saw me but were more interested in their fishing. I slowly waded and looked at the sky. I had all day to do this, I had all day. I planned on have the rest of the day to myself, and then I would see everyone at JR's, without owing an explanation, without owing anything.

downwind | upstream