Cafe Hitch-hike


Just be

It's one of those times where I need to just release a lot and just be. I need to stop with fixing, solving, reconciling, just for now.

I miss collaborators. I really haven't had any good ones in a while. I wish I could talk to someone about work things. I longed for my former boss from long ago, Big Boss. He had the ideas and we worked on them together. He had a lot of experience and pull, and he gave me a lot of guidance while giving me considerable leeway on my assignments. I actually miss being led. I miss having a leader I can trust and knows what they're doing, too.

I carried the load in my previous position and I had colleagues. I don't really have anyone to work with in the day-by-day things and it's quite lonely. I have office mates and we can chatter, but that's not the same as work stuff.

I can't really say anything happened. It's not unusual to feel a slight malaise after a birthday as I inch closer to a _-0. The beginning of a school year is always a thrust of everything at the beginning, especially since we returned to the building after almost 18 months out of it. The new normal is we try to make what we can be normal, and just let the rest dangle until a Power That Is allows us to proceed. That is very true as we operate without a person in charge (and to our surprise, we may have one sooner than we think, like maybe in the summer rather than late 2022 or 2023 which we thought would happen). That also is true when we're told once again to do excellent things with nothing. It's strange how money and support for things can evaporate; where did it go?

My life isn't very complicated right now at all. My head, well that's a different topic (hah). Objectively speaking, nothing is wrong. I keep muttering to myself, everything is fine, I am fine. I guess it's that deep-rooted anxiety that's perked up and put me on alert. A part of me wonders how much hormones are bitch-smacking me; I'm still at that age and I continue to notice the changes it's had on my body (though they've leveled off since January).

I guess I also feel disappointed in myself. I thought I've done good work, I thought I've really built the strength to navigate what comes in my direction. I thought I was more resilient, especially emotionally. I guess I don't really have much to blame but just What Is and wherever / whatever I did.

Yeah, it's one of those times to just be. Just stop. Just exist and breathe. I just need to quit trying so hard and only allow life to happen.

I just feel like I'm getting pulled back into that ditch, and I want nothing more than to avoid it. I thought I was better than that. Maybe I just need to let that happen.

downwind | upstream