Cafe Hitch-hike


Hiking through La-La Land

It's so peculiar. I figured that with all the changes that have been going on in my life, I'd like for some parts of me to catch up. Parts of my psyche still feel behind, like they're still in previous years rather than now. I need to be able to grasp that things have changed, things are different, and believe and appreciate their presence. I see that I can accomplish what I set my mind to do. I see that life isn't as haphazard as it had always felt when I was younger. And, I was glad to see that I am quite capable of keeping things together and taking care of business in my own life. See, I'm not as powerless over life as I so often felt. This I told John today over greasy fish after a hike we took in a "local" state park.


I'm not aggressively running after this guy like I had others in the past. I'm not too nervous about him, either. I'm not being completely guided by twitchy thoughts over whether he really likes me or not. I vaguely miss those warm, bubbling feelings of infactuation, but something else is moving me.

It makes me think a little differently on those people I ran after in the past. Yeah, I'd say I was fairly bold when it came to pursuing someone I liked. I'd run towards them, holding in my mind that they were "the one" for me, holding the hope in my heart that they would love and accept me. I'd give anything to them, hoping they would love me back and take me. It was always a little risk for me, it was easy for me to gamble with my heart... Sometimes the person liked me and would respond to me, and sometimes they'd take what they wanted from me and leave it at that.

I suppose I had enough heartbreaks. I suppose I had let myself get hurt enough to figure it doesn't always pan out to be reckless. It's nice to know I had such a spirited approach to something (haha). I suppose something inside me said, "let's try to be patient, okay? Let's make sure the person's a worthy to be pursued, okay?"

It's nice to know that this part of me isn't one of the parts that has to catch up with the present.

downwind | upstream