Cafe Hitch-hike


Mm, Baby, Hit me again

I am fully integrated back into the regular work schedule. Mornings: university. Afternoons (sometimes) and evenings (sometimes): public library. I was surprised to see the Big Boss at the university has been nice to me lately, telling me things like "take it easy" and "have a nice day." Yeah, I was getting pretty sick of him the last calendar month of the year. Maybe he could feel my bony hands clutching his neck, or the sensation of me dangling him by his ankles from the top of the library... Yeah, 150 lb. me dangling 350 lb. him, that's a nice mental picture!

I finally chipped through the clutter of assignments piled on my desk (at the university...the pub.lib, dream on). I looked at the grant proposal for $90,000 or so that he made me write within 4 hours and get the Dean's signature...

I love it when I poetically and academically bullshit my way through proposals. The kissing up done in the English and Education departments of the University of the Rust Belt State groomed me for it perfectly. And, graduate school was the creme in the coffee and the honey in the tea.

"This grant is designed to strengthen the university's performance as a nationally recognized research university... to advance graduate programs and institutional reputation... intended to contribute toward develoing research themes that are consistent with an emphasis on urban mission, global presence and technology," reads the grant.

So I write: "The main goal of this project is to educate teachers to incorporate information literacy to enable their students to be information literate and lifelong learners. A second goal of the project is to study how teacher participants in this program integrate info.lit. in their classrooms after participation in this program, and to study barriers to it use."

And I fluff it by throwing some big names in education and info.lit and theories and shit like that.

I was fluffing the expertise of our staff:

"Big Boss has organized many successful collaborative programs at this university."

"Lady Jane lectures extensively on info.lit and is considered a national expert."

"Hitch-hike has secondary education teaching experience and is a reference librarian and wrote this pathetic grant trying to pass as scholarly (didn't include that last part)."

I also had to laugh at my notes to Big Boss's initial draft:

What the hell are we trying to change?

What will the result look like?

Who wrote the damn report where he got his information?

(highlighted idea)

(highlighted idea)

(crossed out words)

Divide this in five parts

Get CVs of all staff involved: Big Boss, Lady Jane, and Hitch-hike (mine).

Unwritten thought:

You mean I'll have a job if we get this hastily-drafted grant?

You mean I'll have to continue to work under Big Boss's tuteledge if I get this? (chokes, and then...)

A real job? At last???

I'll get to work with teachers again?

I'll get to be in charge of something? (wooh-hoo!)

(Clears throat) Well, the grantors want a grant that will increase the prestige of this university because of its research. Will this cut the mustard?
Prob. not, but I'll laugh like hell if we get it!

I had to laugh. At least I can laugh at what I do on this job. At least the Big Boss gives me these things 'cause he must have a kernal of faith in what I do. But I'll laugh like crazy, like I said, if we do get this one. Why not? I've been hit with many funny surprises...

downwind | upstream