Cafe Hitch-hike


Hitchin' a ride through this life

Oops, now I better take my medication before I forget. I really do need to take it on a regular basis. If I don't, it really does foul up my moods. Dr. and Shrink say that I need to take it regularly, it's like trying to tell a diabetic to not take its insulin.

Hooray, just what I wanted to hear.

Being depressed is gonna be expensive, but I suppose it's what I'm gonna have to do rather than the alternative.

Yeah, Flav... I'm a little like your friend who has to take the meds & stuff. I, too, get to wrestle around with whatever my brain chemistry decides to do in response to stuff that goes on in my life. Hooray.

And so...

I need to relax so I don't get writer's block on this task I'm about to do. I need to relax and put myself into the space where I can just write a good grant letter to the Knight Foundation so we can get this grant, I can get a full-time position at the coll.lib and all that stuff. And get insurance, too. And, get experience, too.

Oooh, what else? And still be able to live in Detroit area so I can still be with John. For I feel warm, safe, content... He's affectionate, warm, caring, respectful, responsible... For goodness sakes, I don't want to let that go! Well, better yet, I just don't want to let him go!

Soulja says he was saying what he said without really thinking things through. Martha says that he was probably just going into some mild fears and projecting, since all the interesting conversation was over. What they say has elements of truth, but I do know that John thinks rather deeply and he has perspective.

It's like I wonder that maybe he sees something that's there that I do not. Maybe I'll I'm seeing are these bright lights of romance and wishes and little else. All I know is that it wrenches my heart to think about going.

I laugh, I cried (alot, too may I add). Now that I found a nice man, I will find a job far, far away. It's just the way life works out for me, I thought. I'm meant to have these bits of relationship, bits of passion, only to leave and go my way. To make a step forward, but with alot of loneliness along the way. Is it my cosmic joke? Is this just what my soul leaped into, knowing damn well this is what I'd get in this life when I was borne/conceived, whatever... I've had to walk away from people so many times and so many others have walked away. On one hand, I can say I've met and loved lots of people. Ooh, ah, how exciting. You can say I'm a cosmopolitan, worldly kind of woman. But dammit, it sure gets lonely. This cosmopolitan, worldy woman would sure love to stop going for just a little while, and really be surrounded and live by people who she can love and love her, too. That's why I chose "Hitch-hike" as my screen name here because I feel that all I do is hitch-hike and wander... As if that's all I'm allowed to do...

downwind | upstream