Cafe Hitch-hike


Words from John the Great

Me: A fear of mine is to fit in a certain compartment in a man's life and not others. It's like they like a few things about me but don't want the rest of me.

Him: Ah, sort of like being taken for granted?

Me: Yes.

Him: Do you feel I am doing that?

Me: Sometimes.

Him: Well, I have more responsibilities than you. My life isn't as flexible as yours. It's harder to fit you into those other things that have been going on. It would take time for me to do that.

Me: I see.

Him: Besides... I don't want a relationship that would alter or change those parts of my life.

Me: (What!?)

Him: Well, I just don't want to be alone, either. But then again, I'm not too crazy about the marriage idea, either.

Me: (Uh-huh... and what does this mean?) Well, I feel bad that I feel more needy than you.

Him: Why are you comparing yourself to me?


It's nice to see that he likes me well enough, but not nice that he is only willing to give so much. We have fun together but only when our calendars and schedules overlap. He wants a woman's companionship but not for it to go too far that it ruffles his own life.

This was my great present for Valentine's Day, to see where exactly my guy really stands. If he is only willing to give so much, just enough that is comfortable enough for him, then I will only give enough of me that won't compromise myself. Sure, we can enjoy public events and dinners and coffees and hikes, but he can forget about everything else. I decided this yesterday.

I know that relationships can really break apart from one person withholding something as punishment, but this isn't what it is. It is showing that I'm not going to let anyone take me for granted. I'm not going to give myself freely to someone who won't give back. I've spent too much time in relationships where I give it what I've got just to be told what John told me, along with Juan P. and Darling Disturbed D*. I'm sick of being some man's arrangement.

I cried enough yesterday, and after a point I remembered what I said to my Buddy Steve about Juan and Dan: "I've had it UP TO HERE with him! I'm sick of this shit!" No llores mas, no more tears!


My Rant & Wave

On the flip side, yeah, I'm a crazy bitch. I get lonely from the work I do and how hard I've had to work on my own to get everything I need and to get ahead. I get lonely and want people, need people for comfort as I realize life isn't about work-work-work and attainment. I'm a crazy fucking bitch for needing people and wanting to share what I have with a man. Hell, I'm co-dependent, right!!? Do these needs equate to wanting to steal a man's soul and will? I don't know, but I also don't think so. I make a bad girlfriend for wanting to be with a man who can make me happy and making him happy not in return but as a natural flow of feeling. I'm bad for wanting to make sure a relationship is going in a direction I'd like it to go rather than waste my time, right?? It's wrong for me to want to be sure a man can be there for me if I need them!

What the hell is this shit anyway??

Hah, I remember the words of the great Flav who once said something on our online chats about wanting to make his girl happy. I'm not laughing at him, but just remembering, thinking to myself: a man's gotta have THAT attitude to be with me. Everyone else can drop like flies because I don't give a shit. I don't want to waste my precious time and energy. I'm not getting any younger, god knows.


It's like this feeling of being taken for granted sneaked up on me. I know John has a strange schedule, I understand that. I know he has had a life before me, too. But I was starting to get sick of the schedule, his and also my own. I was feeling that he was just "squeezing me in". But I couldn't help that I was starting to feel attached to him and missing him, and wanting to see him more. I don't know if that came from something developing or some extremely lonely need. I was getting frustrated in bits & pieces and then it just came out on Valentine's Day. I hate it when my feelings bitch-smack me this way, but I guess that was my truth for the moment.

And I guess when I told my truth, out came his.

Yeah, my intuition is great when it comes to sensing not-so-swell things. When will it kick in for awesome, cool things? Oh, yeah, it does. It's just times like this that I forget.

downwind | upstream