Cafe Hitch-hike
2004-03-22
What is my excuse?
Please understand that I don't mean to hurt you. Please understand that I don't want to cause you pain.
What is my excuse? My excuse is confusion and fear. I am perceiving things, at this moment and by my own will, through a window created from past experiences. I feel like you may take me forgranted as others had. If I don't give you a little pinch, a throw a little curve now & then, that you will just think I'm just a good little girl and leave me on the side for when you need me and when you want me.
And so, I throw a little something your way to shout, NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT!
And to add:
I am valuable.
I am wanted.
I deserve to be loved and respected by you.
I give you everything I can, what I give unfolds from my heart; it's not that I just give my best to you, but that I want to give it to you.
But, not completely at my expense.
I want something in return, I don't want to be taken for granted. I don't want you to just come and go as you please, as you want.
I can make a list of men who have done this to me and have made me feel this way, and all I want to do with that list is to flush them, wash them, wash them away and out of my psyche. Forget that it ever happened, forget I ever set myself up in a way that made it so easy.
And so it makes me feel mean. It makes me want to scream at you. I don't know why. I don't know why just yet.
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Also etched in my memory are just mean things, just plain mean things that a few boyfriends of past have done.
"What I do is none of your fucking business."
"I can't promise you anything."
(I like you and all, but just only want to see you when I want to see you.)
I didn't act like a good girl for the hell of it or for special presents in return. I did that because that was how I was feeling. I was being myself.
Being myself, and, well, I guess trying to be perfect. Trying to not discomfort my man with things I could figure out or do on my own, or girl problems that I should just leave to girls.
Then came Joel. Then came the feeling of having-it-up-to-here. Then came my assertion to Lala:
"Why the hell should I worry about my quirks and how others take them when I've had this crap?" God knows men haven't tried to be perfect for me!"
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I shouldn't take out my past feelings on John. However, I just have some present feelings that bother me. He works too much and I feel like he uses it to distance himself from me at times.
And, I guess I still feel ticked about the apparent limitations of what we have.
They say that we're our relationship is in an incubation period. Living things just don't sprout instantly. A loving relationship included. Like all living matter, it has to go through its embryonic and incubation stage where nourishment is needed.
And patience.
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I love John dearly and I know that he loves me. I can feel that he does, even if the only time he has come close to saying it is in an e-mail... For St. Patrick's Day, I sent him an Irish Blessing greeting card with scenes and music from Ireland.
Hitch-hike, Thank you for the card, it was very thoughtful. Love, John
Sometimes I just feel confused. Maybe it's because I hadn't been in a relationship for more than 3 months for a long time? Maybe these are feelings that tag along with love and romance?