Cafe Hitch-hike

2004-03-27

Stage Debut, Part II

As I stepped on stage, the lights remained dim. The comedienne told me to lie on my back on the floor, with my butt on top of an "X" made of tape. I layed down and rested my hands on my belly. She and 4 other other comedians formed a half-circle around me. I felt the energy of all of their attention on me, and the stage lights came back on.

"Kids, today we are doing a review of CPR," announced the comedienne, playing the part of a middle-school instructor.

Aaah, my part in this skit was Rescue Anne, a CPR mannequin!

"Now what do we see here when a person is lying on the ground like this?"

"I know, I bet I know what happened!" screetched a girl, "She got hit by a laundry truck. Let me make up a story," she said, and continued to make up a story about what may had happened.

"Shut up, Sheila," shouted a cool-kid. "You're so stupid! Is that why they make you ride the retard bus?"

She was pretty funny and I allowed myself to softly snicker. I breathed deeply, in and out, while the classmates teased the Retard Girl. I looked out of the top of my eyes and could see she was wearing those oval-round 80s style eyelass frames, where the side frames have a curve before they reach the eyeglass frames.

"What is the first thing we do when we see an unconscious person?" asked the instructor.

A regular kid replied that I had to be shaken, and the instructor allowed him to do it. I was expecting to be throttled because he jumped right next to me, but he shook me like I were made of glass. The audience laughed, and I smiled.

The kids were interrupted by each other again and of course, it was funny. The next step then was to clear my passage. The Cool Kid was assigned to do that. He kneeled next to me and whispered, "open up, open up, real wide now." I opened my mouth like I do at the orthodontist. I wondered if the audience could see the elastics the ortho was making me wear?

"Good, good," whispered the comedian. My eyes were closed, and then he stuck his finger in my mouth, and made the "sweeping" motion a few times. The audience was laughing. I was breathing through my nose, appreciating it without a laugh.

Another kid, who I guess had the part of the dirty kid, screetched, "eew, you stuck your finger in her mouth! I bet you were wishing to do something else!" The other kids were telling him to shut up and why did he have to be such a pervert.

"Teacher," shouted Normal Kid, "He was caught jerking off in the bathroom!"

The teacher told all the kids to shut up and Retard Girl wanted to say something about the mannequin.

"You know what? I'm glad we're doing this CPR, and you wanna know why? Because," she sputtered, "I love Annie. I want to do an interpretive dance to express my love for Annie."

The girl did some twirls and ballerina kicks, and the audience was cracking up. I laughed, too, and turned to the audience, but I couldn't see them. The lights were only on the stage.

"You know, if this mannequin were really unconscious, she'd be dead by now!" said the instructor. "Now what is the next step?"

"I know, I know!" exclaimed Retard Girl. Her classmates moaned, expecting another interruption, but she said, "you give two breaths."

"Wow, Sheila!" said Cool Kid. "You're so smart! I want to take you on a date and go with you to Special Olympics because all retards get medals for doing something there!" I was softly laughing this time, and the comedians didn't go on because the audience was laughing so hard.

"Right! That's right!" said the instructor. "What but what do you do first?"

"You tilt the air passage, listen for breathing, and then give some breaths!" said Dirty Kid.

"Yes, that's right!" replied the instructor.

"Oh, man!" said Normal Kid. "Don't make him do give the breaths because he's a pervert!"

"Hey, shut up!" snapped Dirty Kid.

"No, you shut up! Don't let him--"

"Okay, you'll be the one to give breaths since you answered correctly," instructor pointed to Dirty Kid. I opened my mouth, and looked straight at the stagelight above my head to concentrate.

The audience started to laugh and I didn't have to open my eyes to feel Dirty Kid's excitement. The audience's laughed low when he put his face about a foot from mine. I was counting 'one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand...' to myself because the audience was laughing more with each second. Dirty kid moved one inch every 10 seconds, and I could feel his breath on my face and smell his cologne (which was good) when his lips were 3 inches from mine. He stood there for the longest time and all I could hear was the audience.

His lips were half an inch from mine, and he stood that way for 20 seconds. Maybe Dirty Kid was checking to see if I'd blow up. I kept up with the counting and tried thinking about sad things so I wouldn't laugh. Well, the counting won out. I couldn't help but wonder for a second what John was thinking? Dirty kid finally put his mouth on my face...

...The very top and very bottom of his lips were actually touching my cheeks although they were covering my mouth. I did not think at all that he was copping a feel and didn't get any creepy vibes from him; it was just a part of the skit. I could appreciate all of that, and I didn't worry about exploding after 10 seconds of his mouth on mine. I'm not sure how long he was there, but it felt like half a minute.

"Mrs. Hoover," shouted Normal Kid, "I told you you shouldn't have let that pervert do this!"

"Get off, get off now!" The instructor shook the kid off but he wasn't budging.

"Yeah, you shouldn't of!" added Cool Kid. "I caught him sucking his own dick in the locker room!"

The instructor pulled the Dirty Kid off me and then he jumped off right when Cool Kid said that.

The audience was cracking up, and the skit was over!

"Thank you," announced the comedienne, "wasn't Hitch-hike good?" The audience applauded and I took a modest bow as I stepped off stage!

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Okay, I know I didn't try out and make the cast of Second City, but this is probably the easiest and closest I'd come to it -- for now!

Hmmm, so maybe I can be seen on SCTV??? I don't know. I told Uncle Joe about this, and he told me they transcribe and record each show and I should try to get a copy. I'd like to see that!

Uncle said to me later, "Yes, I've always known you were a work of art, and that you'd do things in the name of art!"

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