Cafe Hitch-hike

2004-04-15

I (heart) my bad attitude

Birdie, another librarian at the pub.lib, and I are up for our 3 month evaluation. Ooh, baby, I can hardly wait -- NOT! Let me count the ways:

1. I already know I'm a dumbass when it comes to the hundreds of fucking forms we have to sign out. We have a form to fill out if our supervisor asks us to work an extra hour on our shift. Another form is if we show up for work more than 4 minutes late. Birdie smirks, "we need forms for everything! I'm surprised we don't have one for using the bathroom!" When she said that, I hid my laugh behind a book ordering catalog.

2. Ms. Nightengale, our supervisor, announced the review to me, but added, "this is a two-way street. If you have any comments or concerns about anything, we can discuss them during the review."

Yeah, right. Every idea I've seen proposed to her has been shot down. The only areas where change has been possible area where she is not in charge.

2a. I'm oh-so tempted to keep my mouth shut during the evaluation, which will probably be written up as: "does not contribute to library processes."

3. I know I have an antisocial streak in the breakroom and that will probably be mencioned. The people in the breakroom act like they are lovey-dovey, close, just one big, happy family. There are a million reasons I don't respond to that, which I'd rather save for another day.

This part of the evaluation makes me think of a past evaluation at another employer, where the asshole supervisor commented, "you come across as shy." This comment is coming from the same person who'd give me evil glares if I talked too much while I worked. What the hell did he want me to do, be a freaking robot while on the job? That sure was what it seemed he wanted, and then he goes on to make a comment like that about my personality!

3a. Truth be told, I've lived a rather detacted existence. My family are not warm, fuzzy people and neither are my friends. I'm not comfortable entering situations, like in the breakroom, where people act like they are one big, happy family, they love everybody, everybody gets along, and dammit, they love you, too. I've found that groups like that really aren't that way. Most of the time, it is one big front. Because of this, I'd rather get to know people for what they really are like, the good and bad of it. I can handle that. I've liked a lot of people even after I've known their bad points. And, the people in the breakroom gush about their great families and lives. Truth be told, my family consists of alcoholics, people who can't hold jobs, and women who have lots of kids without fathers. That doesn't make for very comfortable conversation.

Edited Version: "My mom is in Texas. She wants to be with her mother and sister."

True Story: "My mom went to Texas because she had a nasty fight with her hillbilly boyfriend while they were drinking all night. She jumped on the next Grayhound bus and was in Austin before we knew it. She didn't call us and didn't say goodbye."

Edited Version: "My brother's just trying to find his way through life. He lives with his girlfriend."

True Story: "My brother can't keep a job long. He does something really stupid, like one time he was working for a beverage company and he stole deposit empties (Michigan has a 10 cent deposit on empty pop and beer containers, where you return them to the store and get 10 cents back for each one). Now, he lives with his girlfriend, is without job, and my sis Big Momma tells me he just mooches off her."

4. I can't wait until Ms. Nightengale says something about enforcing library policies and rules. Mm, yeah, alright. I've got 5 people in line to assist, they think they're at the McDonald's drive-through and can get answers to their difficult questions in under 60 seconds, people who are talking on cell phones when the library does allow it, people who jumped on our internet stations without signing up and need to be kicked off, 2 of the fucking things are crashing and a patron is bitching they can't print anything on those bloody 10-year old systems with Windows95 and my Palm Pilot has more memory than those fucking things... M'kay, let's try enforcing those rules and providing service under those conditions? See who can tap-dance, give head, change a tire, and do it all at the same time while smiling?

I'm blowing off steam, feeling a little sorry for myself, and am just feeling a very bad attitude. I do not look forward to this evaluation one damn bit. It does not feel like an opportunity to improve things or my work. It just feels like they are to tell me what I need to start doing and do better, so help me. It does not feel like a dialogue, either. Nothing at the pub.lib is a dialogue, it's 'do what you're told and fill out the proper forms.' I guess I don't like them because I feel so powerless, like a canary cornered by a cat in its little cage.

I need to take a deep breath, think happy thoughts, say a few prayers, and double up on the medication on that day. I will do those things. I will do those things. Sit in the office, go through the motions, and it will be done.

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