Cafe Hitch-hike

2004-04-21

Mind your own business! (Pt. II)

The questions I've been having of John as of late have to do with his willingness to do the marriage and kid thing.

Married with Children? Yes, I do want to have a child and with a husband. I even changed my contraception method last year; the pill disrupts subtle hormonal signals that are necessary for females to literally sniff out a mate (don't believe me? there actually is research out there that shows women on the pill often choose biologically incompatible partners). A bold statement slipped out of me when the nurse practioner asked why I wanted to change my method:

"I want to have a child within the next five years. I was on the pill for a long time and I wasn't sure how long it would take to get fertile. I also understand fertility drops after age 35 and that birth defects and difficulties increase after that age."

Yes, I want to have a child eventually. I have my education. I am 30 going on 31. I have travelled, dated, worked, seen and experienced life. I haven't missed out on anything. This is just the next step I'd like to take in my life.

The Waiting Game?I've heard stories of women who stayed with men for long periods of time and never got a proposal or anything, and then they felt they wasted their life waiting. I don't want to be in that situation.

Ah, but it takes time. We've only been with each other since Christmas Day, so it takes time for things to unfold. I know that.

I also know that a man cannot and will not change his mind unless he wants to.

But I do know that men can change, on the flip side of that coin.

I love the time I spend with John and what he brings to my life. My house feels more like a home; we do everything in my house together and he makes himself cozy. I'm glad he does, I really am. He treats me unbelieveably well, too. Yes, I do love him. He has never told he me loved me, but I don't need him to. I feel and see it in everything he does with me.

The Possibilities. Yet I also realize that relationships aren't all meant to end in marriage, kids and live happily ever after. I've had a few relationships where we did things for each other, were there for each other, pulled each other through whatever tough time we were going through, and then we disbanded when either the situations were over or if we decided we didn't want to take the relationship further.

I am open to the possibility that maybe John and I are together for those kinds of reason. My career has been in hell, he has been trying to restructure his career... I was depressed, and we both were lonely. There's the possibility that as soon as those parts of our life are smooth, we will depart and go our ways.

I am also open to the possibility that he can change, as I've been with men who changed their minds. I've had boyfriends who at first said "no way" to marriage and kids, and somewhere down the road they decide they want to do one, the other, or both with me.

I thought it over and read some cards. I drew the 6 of pentacles: giving, but under unequal circumstances. I must say that it is because I probably need him more than he needs me. He has his family, business, and friends. My family is splintered, my business is shaky, and my friends are scattered to the wind. He already had the marriage and a kid and been through that, but I haven't and want to some day.

These questions and thoughts bring some worry to me, and some fear, fear of the unknown.

Yet, I also know that anything can happen. Yes, ANYTHING. I've seen the plans best-laid out get blown to smithereens, while greatness grows from haphazard circumstances.

I joked to myself that if anything, we'll be together for however long we'll be together, and when I want to have a kid and then he says he doesn't, then I can just kick him to curb and go on to find someone who wants what I want.

The reason I don't do it now is because I like what we have right now.

All I know is that anything can happen and I can't waste my time or energy conjecturing every possibility.

And so, I walk the path, and just see where it goes. Like with any other path in any other part of my life, if I don't like it, I either change my attitude, change my behavior, or just depart.

I just don't know, but I do know these choices are all mine and John's, and nobody else's.

downwind | upstream