Cafe Hitch-hike


Hold on

Say "Hello" Again

I wanted to do something nice for myself on Sunday morning because I was alone, so I decided to visit the 12-step fellowship I was a part of when I first moved to southeast Michigan. Moose, Uncle Richard, and Rita M. were all there. Carolina Chrissy had moved on, who I got along with so well, but I was glad to see ther rest.

Wow, so I was still alive, I was still kicking! The last time I had spent time with them was in Summer 2002, when my anxiety was kicking my butt all over the map. They were pleased to see I was fine.

"Hey-hey, are you still living in D__?"

"How's school?"

"When did you get braces? Your smile looks great!"

When it was my turn to talk at the table, I pieced together an interesting, and true, impromptu announcement:

"I am pleased to say that I finished my masters in library and information science with honors. I am working full-time.

"I am still living in the place where I moved to when we last had talked (a BIG accomplishment for me).

"I'm still working at the university."

Everyone applauded, and it all came to me:

"You know," I said, "it's hard for my mind to get up to speed with things. A lot of things have been changing for me, but my mind is still sort of stuck in the past. It's hard for me to shake myself awake and tell myself that things are not the same as they used to be. I do not need to be anxious or upset easily over things anymore."


This is what I do to survive

I've been talking with Lala (my counselor) about some tense stuff. I get upset over not being in a certain place professionally and all that is attached to that, such as wages, prestige, blah-blah-blah. The two jobs I have now don't help matters any, as I had been feeling so spread thin between them, without much time or energy for a personal life. I was also feeling that I was making uncomfortable compromises with both places. They are uncomfortable with my requests for scheduling requests, silently and grudingly make them, and then do it. I'm damn lucky they do it, but there's an uncomfortable sense of static between us and it's wearing on me. It's been hard on me, it really has.

I had been talking to Lala about reading David Pelzer's accounts of surviving hideous conditions as a child, and she noted he "did what he had to do to survive." All I do is what I do to survive. I juggle the 2 jobs because it is the best I can do for now with what I've got and what's been offered to me. I engineer these compromises as my way to get through it and to survive. It's not comfortable, but dammit, I do it. The bills are paid, my bosses get what they need from me, and I'm getting professional experience. I AM doing ALL I CAN DO. The last thing I need to do is feel like I could or should do more.

I also talked to Lala about what I hold close to me. I don't hold any of my accomplishments or my experiences as my own. I assume they, like so much else and so many people in my life, can be taken away from me. No, no they cannot. Nobody can take away my experience and my education. They can take away my job, my car, and stuff, but they cannot take away all I hold inside unless I let them.

Sigh, and that is the frame of mind I was talking about when I told the fellowship about how some part of my mind need to "catch up" with today. I need to acknowledge what I've been able to do with myself.


Hold on.

In light of everything that I've said, I have to hold onto these things. There is some breaking news, some crazy things happening at the university. What that is, I'd rather not say as of yet. I have made my decision, a hard decision and not one necessarily made out of joy but a screw-up of my own.

Hold on, I tell myself. I've made mistakes, but I'd like to say I try to learn from them and make the best out of them.

But whatever may happen, I will not let anything that happens on any damn job drain my sense of accomplishment and negate any and everything I've done with my life.

downwind | upstream