Cafe Hitch-hike


Mark my words

I got a telephone call from a university library in Florida. They want to interview me on the phone this week. We will talk on Wednesday.

I did not tell John about this one.

Mark my words, this is what will happen:

1. I will not get the job I interviewed for last week.

Why? Because it would be too easy. I wouldn't have to make a major move. I would still be able to keep John. I wouldn't be far away from my roots (yes, "roots").

If I didn't move far away, I wouldn't have to go stir crazy like I always get after a major move. So crazy that I literally have to go for psychiatric help because my family can't or won't help me and because I know no one at my new place. It happened to me after I moved out of the house, after leaving for college, and moving to the Detroit area.

2. I will get the job in Florida.

Why? Because it is perfectly in line with everything that has happened in my life. I never lived anywhere in my childhood for more than 1 1/2 years. I never lived or worked anywhere in my adulthood for more than 2 years because I usually had to move on. The exception is that I've been with the univ.lib for 2 years and 3 months. For some reason, life has the need to keep evicting me from anywhere I stay and the people I'm with. For some reason, I ALWAYS MUST MOVE ON.

Hence, my screen name, "Hitch-Hike".

Last night, John was sharing strong, positive thoughts he had of me.

"You're wonderful... beautiful... energetic... smart..."

I replied, "are you going somewhere? Are you going to suggest I move on?" He said he wasn't.

The last time he shared his thoughts of my beauty, strength, etc., he added that I should move on, that the Detroit area just doesn't have what I need to grow.

"Oh, is that right?" I replied. "So you just think the world is my oyster and I can just set out to do anything I set out to do? That I'm slumming it by settling for this life in Dearborn? That I can just attract the greatest man and he will scoop me up and life will be great? Is that what you think?"

I felt more angered than anything. I told him I've always done the very best that I could with what I was given. What I have now is because I tried my best. I've told him I held dreams and aspirations of where I'd like to be, but for the past couple of years, I decided to concentrate more on what I have in front of me. Thinking too hard of the future is frustrating; there just are no guarantees, so I've decided to take things step-by-step.

John likes looking at real estate books for houses, but I don't. It's so frustrating to me because I won't be able to afford one on my own for a long time (I don't think John intends on a home for "us" either, by the way). It's a good enough accomplishment for me at this point to have a home in a safe neighborhood, sans roommate, where there aren't roaches, a leaky roof, and drug dealers all over the place. I'll leave it at that for now.

Yes, I have been more beautiful and more myself lately because of John. It is because I have someone who loves me and someone who is always there. I hate it when he talks about me moving on. He also doesn't see that I am what I am with him because of him.

All the times I was in a new place, I was alone and miserable, and just chipping away at whatever it was I was doing because I had nothing better to do. Going back to where I was was out of the question. I'd try to bring in what it was I wanted: friendship, romance, and success but with extremely limited results. Suicide was not an option because I'd survive it, no matter what I'd do. So there I was, living life by myself until someone like John came along for a little while, who'd eventually insist I go on or they would go on. They'd always leave me with these words:

"You are a beautiful soul and you will get anything you want. Please remember that God loves you and does not want to lose you, so do not think that you are not worthy or must earn his love. Please, step forward and have faith. I know you can have so much after me."

I wrote earlier today:

Dear John, I believe you and want to believe you with everything you say, but when will it ever be that way? I think I can see where you are coming from, but you bring these things out in me. Otherwise, it just withers away without you. Do I love myself? Yes, I love myself, believe it or not, I hold that along with the flip-side of this belief that I am not loveable. I do love myself but it hurts so much to be alone, it's like a knife in my heart day-by-day without you. I prayed to have someone like you to love so I can really be the person I am meant to be, because I am only this way with someone who loves me. You don't know how bad it feels to be so alone as I had spent my life. Every time I am alone after moving on, it feels like a reminder of how unloved I feel and must be. Please-- don't tell me to move on. I am so tired of living this way.

So I only say, mark my words, I have been given my eviction notice from this place and from John. The tears I shed now only ready me for the loneliness and isolation I am about to feel in my new place, for I know I have to move on sometime, because this is the way it has always been. I've been to plenty of places I've liked and wanted to stay, but this is not meant to be.

And so I wish with all my heart and soul to be able to really have a place I can truly call my home someday. Not home for the time and place, but my home for however long I truly want it to be.

It crushes me to feel this way. It's bad enough I had to leave my hometown like a refugee because all the things that make it an impossible place to live. It's worse that I have to keep moving on, whether because there is nothing there or the people I want to stay for leave me no choice but to go.

Many more moves to come.

So I keep hitch-hiking through my life.

downwind | upstream