Cafe Hitch-hike


Me and my boyfriend

John and I had a talk a couple weeks ago not long after he thought I wanted to break up with him. I told him my truths, I told him what I wanted in a relationship. Yes, being responsible is a very good thing and he is that way towards his work and being a father. He is devoted and loyal, also good. What I'd really like is a sense of fun, that we can enjoy life and lighthearted times together. It's very, very, VERY important to me because that's where I get refreshed, that's where I really feel my mojo and can truly shine at what I do. I felt we weren't doing much of that at all.

I admitted that the job search was bringing out the absolute worst in me. It makes me angry, frustrated, and depressed, and so I turn inward and also turn my back on him because I'm too busy feeling terrible. I said I apologized, I realized that (believe it or not) over the weekend of the retreat. It wasn't just me, but it's also him in that regard, I said. His life completely revolved around work and it pained me that there wasn't much enjoyment in other areas.

We both said we'd work on the career issues. I must get some of my energy back into a life, and not let my frustrations get the best of me. He said he will try to get out more.

Things felt weird between us for the next week after the talk, but gradually we were able to connect as we normally had when the going was good. I don't see him every day because now he chooses to do his night-time work at home instead of at my house (where all I do is little things and wait for him to finish, which was a drag). That's alright, because it means I can do my own things without interruption and I have a time frame for how long I have to do everything I want.

One of the things I told John was that eventually I wanted to have a child (I don't want 2 or 3 or more. ONE!!! I come from a family with 6 kids and I hated it, and I won't have time for more kids with work!). I also wanted to get married. Now I don't know if I want to with him, but I mencioned it because it is something I want to do sometime down the road.

I guess the important part is these things came out, and John can decide whether or not it jives with what he wants with his life.

Of course, I know it's not completely John's decision. Sometimes I'm not sure if he is the one for what I want to do. I know I can't look at it in a limited point of view, that is, I clinging onto him just because he's one of the most decent men I've dated in a long time. However, there is a noticeable age difference between us. He's already done all the things I wanted to do. Will being with him hold me back from what I want, and does he want to do all of this all over again?

(I've dated plenty of guys my age... hahah, we have plenty of fun but committment and devotion has been nil, whereas with John committment and devotion is plentiful, but fun is nil in periods).

In our talk, I asked John if my interviewing in Florida last month made him feel bad. To my surprise, he said he is tired of Detroit. He said there is no room for him to grow here. He said he wanted to go somewhere and start over. A few years back, he was tempted to move to California but didn't because he didn't want to leave his daughter.

He said if I was offered the job in Florida and accepted it, then he would have hoped I let him come with me.

Sometimes I think that everything will end between us if I accept a job elsewhere (which is most likely if I do get a job anytime in the near future), but John's reply was a surprise.

Yes, I still have this choice. I guess if John felt this way about me, I'd want him to stop wafering and make up his mind. I certainly wouldn't want to be a stand-by until something better comes along, either. Sometimes I wonder if that's what I'm doing with him. Stand-by until I get that great job and can leap away from here, and start my new life.

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