Cafe Hitch-hike


Life so far

Things to work on:

1. Making good, supportive friendships

2. #1 meaning I should be a good, supportive friend.

2a. #1+#2 meaning to go to those who can be good supportive friends, and that what I bring to any relationship can bring that out.

3. Devote energy to creative pursuits, namely my writing.

4. Rechannel energy from work obsession, direct it towards just life and living.

5. Lose those 15 (or 10) lbs.

6. Work on building a savings (yes, I can do it, yes I can!!)

7. Not incorporate that Lone Ranger attitude in my personality. Let people get close to me. That is, don't put up this wall. Don't assume everyone's not going to like me. Don't assume people won't listen to me.

7a. Instead, approach life with interest. Believe people are good, I am likeable. Know that I have good things to say and share.

I had these goals earlier this year. At that time, I told Lala that since work wasn't so hot then I could channel my energy to friendships and my inner life. Ha-ha, my work schedule from the time I began at the public library to May was horrendous. I barely had the time and energy to look after myself, so there went these goals!

My birthday is this Monday, and I will turn 31 on the 30th. I physically feel like I'm in my 20s. 20s, now that was just my extended adolescence. 30s, now I feel like I'm in my 20s, but am psychologically eeking out of puberty. However, there's a very subtle awareness of myself, life, and my experiences.

I'll tell you what; I was quite the spaz as an adult. I gave my heart and body as freely and frequently as it was broken. I liked to have fun, but I learned in my early 20s to be careful who to associate with (true story-my friends in the hometown could've gotten me in MAJOR trouble, especially with the law). I went to a large state college, where I felt like a fish out of water, and always worried about if I had what it takes to make it there. I walked through everything feeling like an outsider, yet I managed to connect with others who made it all seem better.

Subtle awareness. Past memories are like light behind me in the dark. When I hike in the dark without a flashlight, I swear there's light behind me, and that I can see it from the corner of my eyes. But when I turn around, it's gone. It's not there, but I swore it was. That's how some of my victories, hurts, old boyfriends, and things done with friends feel to me.

I'm 31. When I was a kid, I thought I'd be driving a cool conversion van at this time. I thought I'd have a boyfriend and a white-walled apartment with a few plants. When I was a teen, wasn't sure I'd live to see this age. When I was in my 20s, I thought I'd be in a real career, like teaching, where I'd work hard but earn good rewards, esteem, respect... Where me and some guy would be thinking about parenthood, but in the meantime chill out and travel together, or just do things.

Well, so far so good. I do have a white-walled flat with some plants, and a boyfriend, and a job but not quite a career-resembling position. As for the van, well, my step-dad ended up getting a conversion van when I was 15, and my sis Big Momma and I HATED it; however, I've been fantasizing about getting a Volkwagen Vanagon, and driving all over the US in it in my SPARE TIME (what is that?), visiting nudist clubs, visiting family, camping, and sleeping in during lightening storms or if it gets too cold. I guess I'm doing what I thought I might like to do, I just need to get my butt a van-like vehicle and douse John's food with some wanderlust-inducing powder.

So, this is my life so far. It's my birthday and it's making me think.

Since it's on a Monday, I told John I want to celebrate it tomorrow. I thought of meeting at this Irish-style pub on Woodward Avenue where they make a murderous portobello mushroom sandwich. Across the street from there is Majestic Cafe, which has a bowling alley and some pool tables. It will probably be me, John, his buddy Jimbo, Jimbo's buddy Ted Kazinski, and my blind student assistant and her guide dog. I invited a couple librarians from the univ.lib and Souljah, all for sh*ts & giggles. I can't wait, I just want to have a good time!

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