Cafe Hitch-hike


The Twins' Birthday

On the 30th, my identical twin uncles Bert & Rico turn 45 years old. Wow, 45, I didn't realize they were only 5 3/4 years younger than my mom.

As a tribute to Bert & Rico, I will share some tidbits about them to toast their twinhood...

Rico is older than Bert by 10 minutes. They may be identical twins, but they have a peculiar thing. One is bald (via hair loss) and the other has a full head. The bald one was once married, so that might explain it.

These guys are quite intellectual. I've heard them say some very intelligent things about politics and government. Rico is interested in the courts and the legislative process, while Bert is interested in military matters. Back in 1982, I remember Bert was talking about those Zapruder tapes of the JFK assasination. His expertise in ballistics (thanks to being in the US Army) lead him to conclude that there was not a lone gun man and explained the bullet's path, trajectory, etc-etc... I don't know if he just read a bunch of stuff on it, but years later I saw this stuff on A&E, and it's like he could've written that show.

The flip side of this intelligence is that they both look like complete derelicts and they know it. They also vibe this street-smart, tough energy and get off on intimidating others. I once lived with my grandfather at the same time as Rico. When friends would come by, Rico would say hello to my friends, and then in his best street-person voice, "eh-eh-eh, lend me five dollars. Do you have five dollars?" Of course, the friends thought he was serious, that is, unless they were brave enough to come back another time, when they knew he was just fucking with them.

The twins may be short, but they have enough confidence and audacity to frighten and probably whoop the ass of anyone bigger than them.

My grandpa lived in the 'hood of our hometown. When they'd walk down the street and a guy approached, the guy, even the toughest, more intimidating ones, usually crossed the street before crossing the twins, even if they didn't have to.

I guess anyone else would call them 'assholes.' Well, some of their relatives do call them that, but some of us just laugh at them.

One night at Mardi Gras in Austin, Rico saw a cop mounted on a horse. He said, "how's it going, Officer?" The officer sneared and hissed, "FUCK YOU!" Rico wondered where that came from, but thought it over. Bert wanders downtown Austin and knows it like the back of his hand. Bert loves to fuck with people, cops included, and manages to stop just before it becomes a misdemeanor or offense. Rico eventually figured the cop thought he was Bert.

Last but not least, I still crack up at this story... A bunch of us were leaving this harbortown nearby my hometown after a Fourth of July celebration, and we sat in the back of a relative's pickup truck. Traffic was inching forward while hoards of people walked by. Rico was with us, and saw a group of caucasian frat boys. Without warning, he hollered, shaking his fist in the air, "hey man, how about that Blue Oyster Cult?" The frat boys turned around and hooted, "hey-yeah! Yeaah!" The rest of us smirked. Yeah-yeah, we knew where he was coming from. He wasn't about to yell something like, "hey you freaking honkies!" but we knew that was what he really meant to say. What a wiseass!

Of course, I have more memories of the infamous identical twin uncles of mine, but these are the ones that come up first. They may be a bit funny, but that's okay because that's a requirement to be in my family. In my own way, I toast them, their good points and bad, and say, "thanks you guys for being my uncles... have a happy birthday!"

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