Cafe Hitch-hike


Twist of the knife

Today I had to run an errand and found myself in the dean's office of my library school. I had to talk to him about a project my boss has been working on. I got bold enough to ask him for some advice about my job hunt.

This program loves to boast that its graduates have a super job-finding rate. Well, I found two half-time jobs and am still seeking full-time work... It's like the instructors and profs cringe when they see me hanging around with this half-time stuff because I sort of debunk that notion, or at least that's my perception (faulty or not).

The funny thing was that I was an excellent student here and got along well with everyone, even helping others who were struggling. I got an assistantship that was super-competitive to get. What gives? How come a good graduate who did everything right can't find a goddamned full-time job?

The dean gave me some decent advice. He told me to look up the attorneys I worked for before I went back to grad school and see if they're still willing to be references. He also suggested I contact the libraries I interviewed with and ask for feedback on my interview.

I e-mailed the guy who was head of the search committee for a job I interviewed for in Florida. He e-mailed me back.

Ugh, all I can expect is a twist of the knife. It's feedback and I can look at it in that light and fashion. It's gonna be a hell of an exercise in not taking things personally... I don't know, I just don't look forward to this, but I have to start somewhere. I have to see what on earth is keeping me from getting good work!

The dean was willing to be a reference for me when I asked. He asked if I could use my supervisor at the public library, but I said it would strain our working relationship if she knew I was looking for other work (it seriously would!).

I thanked him for his advice and time, and then cried in the bathroom for about 5 minutes. (I mastered the art of crying at work without messing up my makeup by my work in law offices... I learned to use pressed powder to reduce the pinkness on my nose, cheeks, and below my eyes... If I blink rapidly for a minute, it takes out the pink in my eyes and dries my eyes)

Part of it is having to ask for help. Asking for help feels like admitting defeat. "I messed up, so what do I do now?" I get to admit I made a mistake.

The other part I found through tears was this fear I feel. I fear that I am absolutely useless, revolting, or just an all-around undesireable person. Do I have this repulsive personality? Am I one of those people who others avoid and run away from? Am I a person who others think I have a bad personality? Is this something I am blind to and just cannot see until now?

I feel funny and sad at the same time. I decided to read the feedback at home, when nobody can see my adverse reaction. I could use my phone to speed-dial John and cry about it for a little while.

Last week, I applied for a job in the same area where I earned my B.A.s. I lived there for a total of 7 years, staying put after I finished college. Sighhhhh... I just pray. It was a lovely position in an awesome organization. My experiences fit the damn requirements like a glove. Damn, I've been applying for MANY jobs where my qualifications fit them like a glove! What the fuck?????

So if you can, do me a favor. Pray for me. Pray that I can find a good full-time job with benefits (I get none now but paid vacation time). If you don't wanna ask for that, then pray that something happens so I'll stop bitching about my job search, and that I can get on to writing something else.

Everytime I do this and get more rejection letters, I feel more twists of the knife, confirming I magnetize bad luck and that I'm a terrible person. I could wallpaper my bedroom with the letters of rejection. I do eventually regain my sense of courage, and then when this happens it sort of dissipates and dissolves like water on a scorching pan...

On a happier note, Souljah found a job in the medical school. I asked her to give me some of her got-the-job vibes. I asked her to give me this (A while back, I had a horrific case of indecisiveness, even worse than what you read here, and I asked a guy who's great at making decisions to give me his decisive vibes. He did, and it felt like it worked!).

So anyhow, Souljah's off to greener pastures and more dinero. I was happy for her. We're having a blow-out for her next week, and I was recruited to bake my famous pineapple-rum upside down cake. That makes me happy. Maybe I'll bake a cake and feed it to Johnny tonight.

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