Cafe Hitch-hike

2004-12-10

The passing of time

I had a dream I was walking in front of Harrisman Park Elementary, where me and everyone in my generation of family had attended at one time or another. School was out, and I was walking in front of it, towards the side that housed the alternative school and where I used to catch the bus to my middle school. I wasn't thinking of anything but enjoyed the warmth of a late spring day when my Darling, Disturbed D* ran to my side. He looked the same as I remember him and I could've sworn I was able to smell him.

He looked so happy so see me, just like he always did. I screamed with delight and we threw our arms around each other. I kissed him and held him close because I was so happy to see him. He was hesitant to kiss (because it always meant instant, uh, arousal for him) but happy for the hug. I didn't even want to speak, I just wanted to have him near me in the dream. He said he would catch up with me later when I got home, and I was happy with that. I simply walked to where I lived when I used to live around there, without thinking it further.

I thought over the dream. It has tones of nostalgia of a well-liked area. I liked living in that side of town, and the school and neighborhood was very good to me and my family. We had our church, our friends, and I grew alot in that area. Of course, I moved on and I'm in no hurry to return. I just have positive thoughts of the area.

And D*? What about him? Perhaps the same. I'd like to think I can safely file him in the memories of "fondly remembered," despite some of the craziness he brought into my life, and to be able to keep walking.

It was very comforting to think of that.

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Of course, I'm thinking more of my move. When I left EL-town for this place, I felt very indifferent about leaving it. However, I drove with Max through the town about a week after I moved away, and I burst into tears as we left. He asked what was wrong, and it finally added up:

"I lived here for 7 years! This was my first big move away!... I used to feel so rootless in this place, but now I see that I really had people and things here, for me," I said.

Yes, it really was my community after all. I wasn't at rootless as I thought.

Perhaps I can expect to feel something like this with my move from this area? I don't know. I didn't know I'd feel that way about EL-town until I moved away.

I'd like to think I can move on with the kind of verve I felt in the dream. I recalled the lovely sensations I felt with D* in the dream and enjoyed them as I always had. When he walked on, I didn't feel sad. It would be nice to be able to recall the goodness of something or someone without getting mired its bad (God knows there was LOADS of that with D*), though it doesn't mean thinking that way denies any of it. It would be nice to recall the feelings and experience without getting weighed down with longing or missing something. I'd like to think I could maybe go on from here this way, I'd like to think.

Feeling this way of D* didn't come over night. It took me a year to really get over him.

I suppose that I should feel so relieved to be able to reach such a state, and feel confident that it can be in other areas of my life.

downwind | upstream