Cafe Hitch-hike


What if...?

What do you do when you tried your very best, but you didn't reach where you wanted to be?

What do you do when you tried to make many changes, upgrades, and fixes, but... once again...

What do you do when it doesn't feel good but rather... need to fake an awful lot so others see the opposite?

It makes me feel like I failed, but if I tried this hard, how could it be a failure? Isn't there a difference between "didn't reach goal" because some things went awry versus "a big and genuine attempt was made but it couldn't get done."

It makes me feel like I'm deficient, but what if I learned and changed so many things in the process that actually corrected or at least made me more aware of imbalances? That wouldn't be the sign of a deficiency.

It's like a SpaceX rocket not launching because of poorly done science versus unforeseen developments despite having the best minds and coordination in the business.

As they say, every success begins with a failure or something not working out. My God, I sure hope so. I feel like I've failed so many times in this realm of my life although I've tried to cover so much ground, make many changes, and be brutally honest with myself.

Maybe in this case, it's like the example where there were unforeseen developments, things I did not expect, things I didn't know how to handle.

Well, in this case, I did consult with others on how to handle what I didn't know and... did plenty of soul searching and trying things out.

I was told I already tried really hard to change and to quit trying. One kind soul said, "Hitch-hike, don't change! You are fine as you are!"

I was told that what I was after really couldn't be forced or grown in a lab... It was literally something that should had grown on its own rather than trying to mold it into something it wasn't. That, and maybe it just didn't have the elements needed for the desired outcome. One can't bake a chocolate cake without chocolate, right??? Call it something else! Call it what it really is!

I know deep in my heart I am not a quitter when it comes to bigger things. When I look at my track record, I quit things when I just couldn't see anything changing, things weren't changing despite my best effort, AND things outside of myself were not really supporting anything to change or get better.

I walked away from relationships, hobbies, and jobs.
I walked away from all of them after long struggles where the light at the end of the tunnel seemed nowhere. I just figured I was lost, and made my way back to the light from where I entered.

When I look back at it, I sometimes thought I should had fought harder. I should had made my needs known. I should had been more comfortable with the conflict that often happens when expressing unmet needs. I should had stuck it out.

I then look back at the larger scope of it and see that I usually tried to the best of my ability and what was available to me, and I don't regret most of the things I quit or left behind.

There were other times where I made decisions I didn't want to make which made my heart break, but I overrode my heart's ruling because I could see something was actually harmful or quite bad. Sometimes I ache when I think of these choices, but I guess life offers up its array of difficult choices.

One thing that most people who know me best say about me: 'she never gives up, she goes after it. At least she comes up with something and tries.' No, I am not a quitter!

I have a tough decision to make, just like I had in the past.

There is no right or wrong, but... what is it that ultimately rings true for me and is more likely to add to my happiness?

downwind | upstream