Cafe Hitch-hike

2017-12-08

Wonderfully difficult conversations

Someone had taken a picture of me at a work gathering, and I was shocked with what I had seen later that day. Pink lips, pointy nose, fair-olive skin with brown eyes and bushy dark hair pulled back in a pony tail. I looked just like my mother! Holy shit, I actually thought I was looking at her when I saw it was myself!

Don't get me wrong, my mother is quite a pretty lady and especially for her age. I once joked that if I'm looking like that in my 60s that I would be happy! It just unnerved me that we still have such a resemblance.

I dashed to get my hair cut to shorten it, and the stylist cut way too much off (I've been jinxed when it comes to stylists in my fishing village). Now I look like Bob Ross. At least I can straighten it more frequently, and I decided to throw in some color. Although my hair is dark brown, it often appears to be a dullish black and decided to at least make a temporary change to see how it looks.

I sit in the aftermath of one of my wonderfully difficult conversations with a boyfriend. Gosh, if only I could just keep it all in. If only I could just ignore what I'm feeling and my perceptions. If only I can just pretend all of the damn time and everyone will be happy and everything will be all right. Why did I have to open my trap and mess everything up by saying something that makes them uncomfortable? Haaaah!

At least I can say my perceptions usually aren't too far off. Where there's smoke, there's fire, and something had to be said or done. I remember having certain vibes about people in the past that made no sense whatsoever, and they later confirmed what I picked up or something along those lines. I don't know the exact number, but it's happened quite frequently. I've even had former beaus tell me long after one (or more) of our difficult conversations they eventually caught my drift and said my thought was not far off at all.

It makes me think of how my relationships sometimes slide downward after convos like these. Sometimes it's the beginning of the end, and sometimes it's not. One person came back and apologized; it really was a misunderstanding. Another person actually could feel my pain once I made him aware, and he said he was glad I told him so we could approach things differently.

I sometimes feel like completely giving up after these conversations. If what I said was going to damage a relationship that badly or wound someone's ego, maybe what needed to be said was said.

I often wonder how much married people repress what they really think and feel for the sake of the relationship. How much do they endure to keep things going and to maintain a sense of normalcy? Perhaps that is why I've never been married. I couldn't do that very well in a dating relationship, so I couldn't with someone I'm legally and financially tied to.

After our conversation, it was easy for me to pathologize myself. What is wrong with me? Am I really broken or too warped to get a relationship right? After letting that swish in my head for a bit, I shouted, "no!" Aren't I supposed to be able to say how I feel in a relationship or what I need, even if it's batshit crazy? Well, of course, I need to consider how I say it and not have the intent of hurting someone. How can speaking up be such a terrible thing? I had an ache inside and it wanted to be soothed and assured. My boyfriend doesn't have to completely agree with what I say or how I feel, but... just listen and consider! Don't judge me or try to correct me! Christ, I feel like I just can't win.

I have a hard enough time expressing some of my needs as it is. So I try my best to manage until I can't manage anymore. When I finally say something, I get an angry response. Gosh, that's awfully encouraging for me to keep communicating what is on my mind. It's even better when I'm told I'm wrong for what I feel.

I'm too tired to think about this crap any further. I just hope to God every tough conversation isn't going to end up this way because I am not sure how a middle ground or compromise will be found in this one.

downwind | upstream