Cafe Hitch-hike

2017-12-12

Other losses

Let the unfriending begin! The two main women in Rafa's family life unfriended me. Carla, one cousin, sent a half-nice, half-smack-across-the-face message. She wished me well and added that Rafa is the best and I'll never have anyone as good as him. His sister Mariposa unfriended me with much less ceremony, but rather silently.

I should had expected this from a close-knit Hispanic, immigrant community. The family always jumps into things. Their men can do no wrong even, when they do wrong.

I also expected that from two of the strongest women in his life and that one of them felt she had to stick up to him. Carla expressed intense animosity and hostility towards Rafa's ex-wife, and I was very puzzled about that because it seemed a bit out of proportion. I wondered if something happened between the two, but maybe it was Carla's protective instinct gone into overdrive.

At least I can walk away and say I did the best I could for that relationship, amid my craziness, the differences I brought, and the fears and personal limitations I had to break through. I never cheated on Rafa since infidelity was a huge issue in his former, 9-year which he got annulled; I told him this so he could be sure that was never an issue. I think Rafa was quite patient and giving to me (up to a certain point). He was loving and affectionate, too. I think he finally grew a pair by stepping out of his world to be with someone like me. However, differences were differences. Rafa eventually made clear what he was willing to do and not to bridge those.

I told Rafa it was important for me that he open himself more to my world and the things that I enjoyed. The straw that broke this camel's back was his response, "I'm not going to do anything that doesn't make me comfortable. What do you want me to do, fake it?"

I did many things that made me uncomfortable in this relationship. I stepped out of my comfort zone so many times, and yes, faked it at times! I did it for the sake of us and because I wanted it to work! Once Rafa made this point clear to me, I thought it was senseless for me to keep up with what I was doing. It was going to remain a one-way street in that regard.

I was also especially concerned that he said those issues were my problem, and also that it was my problem I didn't communicate this better or earlier in the relationship.

I want to tell his family I am sorry that it didn't work out and for the pain and disappointment I caused. I'd like to tell them I tried the very best I could. I can also tell him I always treated him right and never pulled what his ex-wife apparently did. Howeva', I am not sorry for making this decision! I am an adult and I can make my own damn decisions!

As for the unfriending, I honestly don't see any of the people I met through him being in my world separately from him. I met them because of him and the bond they had with him, which was far more stronger than any they had with me. His friends are very loyal, so I don't imagine they would want to associate with me. I should just accept this as other losses.

Then, I did a season tarot spread. I got one of the best readings I think I ever had. It said I needed manage not trusting my inner voice because of internal and external conflicts. I will be very responsive to healing actions, and they will be compounded after spending time with those I love. The cards said I now have a strong ability to get things done and lead, and my ability to create will be super-high. It also said that my ability to give kindness and love is something I have going for me; it's not simply giving but providing something that will help others grow something within. I was also intrigued to see that my ability to communicate and keep things real were excellent. The cards also implied that I would have plenty of, **ahem**, feminine energy to spare and that something from within me will take on a life of its own.

Ok, not a terrible thing to have after a break-up. I got a new hairstyle and color, I renewed my attention to my clothing and appearance, and it seems people are approaching me more easily these past few days. Then, I have a tarot spread that says I'm basically going to be kicking ass.

Really? The spread means to tell me that after giving something up, I will actually see some nice returns but in other ways? Ok!!

I guess by virtue of Rafa belonging to a community, I shouldn't be surprised that some wouldn't react well to our decision (I initiated the break up, Rafa agreed and then told others it was a mutual decision). It makes me think of the joke, 'want to face me? Oh, you'll have to also face the trailer park.' Not nice, hahaha, but something along those lines.

When I look at it all and how hard it was to navigate that world, maybe I should consider it a relief that I'm probably not in it anymore. People were kind to me for the most part, and I'm grateful for that. At least now I can finally put energy towards people who are more like-minded or where a comfortable middle ground can be found, and truly give my light (to those who want to receive it) and be more happy for it. I sure hope so!

downwind | upstream