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Timmy revisited

Rewind, replay, revisit... I had to laugh about that whole concept. Some of my old friends had been coming back around after things ended with Rafa 2 months ago, and another old friend Timmy came rolling around again. He kind of disappeared soon after I told him I was dating Rafa, and then he called me today about a class at Xanadu Tech.

It was funny because I thought of Timmy last night while I prepped food. I stood in my kitchen in the same space where I'd stand when he'd visit. We usually sat and stood in my kitchen, and I liked the conversations we had. He was another midwesterner like myself, and there was something about being around him that was so easy. We were very much attracted to each other, and I usually felt good around him. We discussed lots of things: light, in-between, and even sensitive and heavy.

What was the problem? Something else always seemed to get Timmy's attention and he'd fade away until he reappeared. Of the dozens of times we hung out, any type of romance happened maybe a handful of times. He was never a steady date, I couldn't quite consider him a lover, and yet it wasn't a one-night thing.

I thought a little more of Tim. We met online in the fall of 2011 and we had nice chemistry. However, I could see he was all over the place from being recently divorced. I liked him, yes, but I also sensed a flightiness as well. Meanwhile, Prof. Felipe wanted to step back into the picture. Both guys were aware of my situation. Felipe stepped up his game, and Tim said I needed to decide.

To think it through, I drew a cartoon of myself sitting at a cafe table with a heart-shape sitting in a chair across from me. We both were having a cup of coffee, and I drew a conversation bubble above the heart with '...' In cursive, I wrote in an arc, "what does your heart say?" It helped me decide. I think I have the doodle somewhere.

Timmy's addendum to his ultimatum was there was no turning back if I said no, which I did. I never was sure if he meant a romance or a friendship, but we remained flaky friends since then and his threat didn't seem to completely actualize.

One of the rare times Timmy and I had sex was the weekend before Felipe was to start his new job. Everything felt really good, but soon after it was over, I unexpectedly cried. He didn't hurt me and I wasn't freaking out, which I assured him. I guess the grief I tried to deny was released and Timmy had to see it.

I then wondered last night what would had happened if I picked Timmy over Felipe. What direction would things had taken? Felipe was part of the reason I left the area a few years ago, and maybe that would had turned my life in a different direction if he never came back. Then again, maybe he just would had come back at a different time down the road? There's no telling, but I couldn't help but wonder. It sure would be interesting to see!!

It will be nice to experience Tim's occasional company although I don't sense anything will change. When he called, he caught me in a terrible mood, and yet I found myself feeling better while I talked to him. Maybe this is a little bit different this time because Timmy's reappearance was good for getting a different perspective on a few things, especially on what started back up at that time, and where all of that has gone since then.

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