Cafe Hitch-hike



My notes for my science lectures magically disappeared. I looked everywhere in my office for them and they are gone, without a trace. My 8 years of notes for the geosciences, engineering, and ah, that wonderful scientific literature class-- no more.

It's now the same fucking class, same fucking time of the year. Yeah, it's like a smack in the face, "Happy Anniversary, hahahah!."

I've written about having to teach the scientific lit. lecture multiple times. How it started when I met Dr. Italo, then it led me to Dr. Felipe, and then it led to many ideas, projects, and a relationship. I've written about these until I'm blue in the face.

While I feel haunted by the memories, at least a lot of those projects continued without him. A colleague told me they didn't happen because of him. They happened because of me and because I took it further on my own. They also seemed to take on a life of their own!

After Dr. Felipe left, another prof. took his place with the class. She liked what we did, and then she took it further as well. I'll be showing them some new stuff next week.

Yeah, that's the other consoling aspect: new stuff. Maybe it was a good thing the damn folder with years of notes disappeared. It will give me a chance to start all of this all over again, but under completely different circumstances. Also, I have additional years and experiences this time around. That actually means a lot to me.

And I still can't help but cry inside when I think about all of it. I know it's not completely my fault how things turned out between us. I know that he didn't and couldn't give me the type of relationship or even friendship I needed, and I know he never could quite accept what I had to offer. I know there's all kinds of things I'll never be able to know or find out on his end. What I don't know is if I'll ever be able to teach this damn class without feeling so haunted. I still wish this would go away.

I just wish I could just take all I know now and completely run like hell in another direction. I feel like that's all I've been trying to sometimes but getting nowhere. I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me when this happens.

downwind | upstream