Cafe Hitch-hike

2018-07-13

New moon

TGIF for real this time! I decided to relax on the patio. I can see the sun set over clouds, trees, and powerline with just a slight turn of my head. The bamboo fence is up and the fountain is bubbling. I just walked Puppy Dog, and am now winding down with a breath (or 2, 3, 4...) of herb-infused air.

Last night was the new moon. The dark moon before the new moon gives an energy that's great for cleaning, clearing, and wrapping up. Apparently, some very strong energies were present for this one. Before the new moon, I cleared my house with sage and thought of things I'd like to let go. This time, I decided letting go meant to let things have enough space to breathe and either resolve, heal, or drop away.

My burnt offering was my paper diary from the past 2 years. Those would be the Rafa files. It was to try to lay some things about the relationship to rest. It was very nice, but very stressful. I tried hard to bend myself to fit in his life, and it really drained and weakened me. It was not a pleasant way to live. Talk about getting a hell of a lesson of the importance of being true to myself and others, and to also speak my truth. Those things are what energize us and make us feel stronger. It's living fully rather than acting in a game of charades.

They say the time during and soon after a new moon is good for beginning, visualizing, initiating something. The energy gives a good push to things. I did this once with a research project, and it went very well! The only push I have is to be true and present, and widen my social circle a little.

I can't believe we are already halfway through summer! I told my mentor about my trip to New Orleans and he was very happy for me. He said that I seem to be a free spirit, so why don't I let myself do that a little more frequently? I laughed. Yes, the trip was an amazing release. I wasn't just partying but doing other things I really enjoyed and just rolling with the vibe. This is coming from the guy who said there's been nothing normal in my life, so why did I come down on myself for not fitting in to someone else's standard of normal? I thought about it later that day and just laughed. He had a very valid point. He also suggested there was nothing wrong with living life as a singleton, and it's ok to date however way I see fit. The other part that stumped me was that someone else repeated the same thing later that week.

I think I came down from the Grain Elevator University thing. I told my adviser that I'd probably be interested in 2 years. It would give me time to save up and consider other places than GEU. Someone recommended to check out my top 3 places to make sure the place and people were a good fit, and then make my decision. I don't have to make a decision right away or at all if I don't want to. Well, it feels actually great to really see the other options out there!

Timmy has been reappearing. He cancelled an outing we had planned for weeks because he said he was hungover. In the past, he wouldn't show up and not answer my texts, and I literally yelled at him about it. At least now he calls me, but I've never had anyone do so many cancellations! I told him it makes me wonder if he even appreciated my company, and to let me know when he was for real about hanging out. I then added, "I've been wanting to meet other people, and maybe go online to do it." He then rehydrated and met me at the beach where we spent the afternoon. We didn't talk about what I said, and we still haven't. I'm sure it will have to come up sooner or later.

I've described our relationship here many a'time. I know we're not an item, and he's not bad in terms of bennies, but I think it's rude as hell to constantly cancel. I shouldn't be surprised; I've never seen Tim be steady with anyone for long. Although these last 3 months have been the steadiest I've ever seen with him, it is still a very shaky version of steady. I guess I never considered Timmy to be a viable partner because of that. I just anticipate that he will flutter out of my life again in a matter of time but to enjoy the bennies while they're there. One of my friends congratulated me on telling Timmy I wanted to meet other people. They said I deserved something better (and they also told me I could date how I wanted).

Yes, I do want to date others, but I'm dreading the thought of the beginning of dating which often feels like a flight in take-off. Hahaha, take-off and then crash and burn! I know I have to try, I need to try. It would be nice to enjoy the things I like with another person! I'll try to coax myself a bit more and then make my step.

Now that I say that, it reminds me of when I was told I was hanging on to someone because they were convenient and that I needed to step away. Eventually, I agreed and did.

Ooh, the sun is setting with a pink and dark blue skies in the west. The street lights are on, and I feel a soft, cool wind blowing from the ocean. I'm not sure if I want to relax with a movie, listen to jazz, write more nonsense, or return to the patio of the Cannabis Condo. First things, first: I am hungry! I'll watch this Florida sky darken, and see what awaits in the kitchen.

downwind | upstream