Cafe Hitch-hike


Hoping nothing else weird happens anytime soon.

Everything just spins, spins, and spins. I feel like I've been on a bumpy, jerky carnival ride for too long, and I want to get off. But, it won't. This is what is called moving down the rocky road of bereavement, where all kinds of weird feelings are dug up along with letting someone go who passed from this life.

I can't recall if I said this, but I felt really loopy in August and got really sick in September, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was me sensing that my uncle was about to go.

Spinning, spinning, spinning. My office neighbor is out because of major surgery, and we are picking up his work. He is truly a lovely guy, but I found myself teaching 5 classes, 4 in a row, and then his evening class tonight.

Then, with Uncle's passing, I've gotten so angry!! I've seen this anger about half my lifetime ago. It's the anger of getting dealt one shitty hand regarding my family. It's the anger of always being left out of things. It's the anger from all of that leading me to having to step through all of this alone. That anger's been kicked of of the nice box where I stored it, and oops, it spilled and made a bit of a mess. But yes, I'm very angry because of this very lonely space I now occupy. Now I see why I was one hot mess after my grandfather died; I largely dealt with that alone and I wasn't the same afterward (just as Uncle wasn't the same, either).

I then decided to remove the news apps from my phone and to limit my media intake. It only makes me more angry and worried at the same time.

I spent some time with the person I recently met. I don't think he's a bad person, but he has some huge complexities in his life. Well, well, this is what we get to encounter with middle age! Let's just see how much the complexities keep us from getting to know each other, spending time together, and for anything to even form. He's in the middle of a very complicated divorce.

I then decided I'll soon tell Timmy I can't continue the bennies part of our arrangement. There's something I'm not digging about it. We started out as haphazard friends, so with my declaration, I'm sure I'll hear from him less and less until he decided to ping back into my orbit in another 2 years or so.

My vibe is so wicked now, so intense. I feel like I can easily frighten people by simply walking past them. I don't want to feel this way for long, I don't want to scare people away, if anything, I'd hope for the opposite. Shit, here's something else I'll get to sit with and just hope nothing else weird happens anytime soon.

downwind | upstream