Cafe Hitch-hike


We can admit

It's time for me to take some time to wrap up this year. I'm not doing it via road trip this year, whether it's along the Gulf to Texas, or those winding roads between Houston and Austin. Instead, it will be done on paper and then perhaps processed further when I see my mentor tomorrow. I ran out of paper since I used my composition book for my side work and professional writing, so I need to buy another one.

The home purchase continues. The only glitch was I forgot to transfer money from one account into another, but I haven't received any panicked communications from anyone. The home inspection turned out fine with some minor things needing repair, and next comes the appraiser. Carlos the realtor will be heading out to South America on Thursday, so things will be quiet between then and the New Year. He thinks we may be able to close in 30 days instead of the usual 45 since things are just movin' along. That will work out beautifully because then I can get 2 weeks to work on stuff before I move myself, my possessions, and my dog to the new place.

I got some final estimates for costs, and voila, I'll be paying the same amount for more space. I definitely plan to get a roommate for the short-term to subsidize the costs of bigger-sticker things like updated bathroom vanities and eventually some newer appliances. It also reminds me that I should probably have a house-reserve fund for when things go kaput in a major way, "things" which may also include the car, my health, or other unexpected expenses.

I spent some time with Motorcycle Manny who just upgraded his transport to a little sports car. We drove to Naples over the weekend, where I had never been, and it was a fun little journey. I've always liked him and admire him for his natural warmth and cheer. However, I don't have a romantic interest, and I have some compelling reasons for that. In these cases, it's just best to stay friendly, but keep firm boundaries.

I could hear my mother's words (and those of others) ask why I wouldn't give someone like him a chance. Don't be so picky, give it a chance, work with your blocks, love yourself more, be open, and the list of encouraging words go on. Let's see, I've lowered my standards, gave it a fair shot, done plenty of introspection, still wobble with the self-love, and can't even begin to express the openness I've held for a good part of my adult life. I've been trying, and at this point, I just want to go with the flow for a bit.

It all makes me think of this gravity that often forms between people when the things they bring together start to commingle. An energy starts to form. It animates the relationship, and pushes people to push it along, both with how they feel about it and what they will do for it. People may start doing more of everything together, talk more, express and show more, and then a sense of togetherness forms. Agreements are a big part of this flow. The people agree on the intent and course of things when it comes to the relationship. These agreements are the linchpin of the relationship and greatly influence its course. If agreements are weak, half-formed, or duplicitous, the relationship kind of stays stuck, its mojo is weak, someone (or both) people are not happy, and it gradually dwindles. I've grown to see that if a relationship lacks gravity or agreement, it's just not going to go further.

So what does this have to do with Manny? We do possess some gravity, and the agreement at this time is on friendship/dating terms. I have my reasons and I'll stay with them, and also choose not to over-analyze my choice. I guess making informed choices with my head and gradually my heart is not an entirely bad thing. I always thought that I'd rather be solo than with someone incompatible or makes me feel bad, and to be solo means doing all of this instead of chasing people, being in a bad relationship, or settling.

Then, it's the holidays, or the most lovely time of the year to be single... I got off online dating. I kind of throw up inside when I think of what all of that is like. Surely there has to be something better than that!

I now think I know what I can do when some oh-so-well meaning person asks about my status. I can just flash a pic of Timmy on my phone and say we're dating. I wouldn't be lying or pretending, now that I think of it. I just wouldn't tell the rest of the story, the part where we're friends with the occasional bennie because that has been the agreement.

Ugh, I've been bitching, moaning, and groaning (or not groaning) about him. We acknowledged that even if we aren't committed, we still have a relationship. I don't know how many times I swore he'd disappear, but hasn't yet. I don't know how many times I said I was swearing him off but didn't. I think our relationship, in a way, has reached a stalemate. If I was cool with what we have now, I could still keep doing it, but I'm not cool with it and it gets less cool as time has gone on. I think I made up mind about what I want to do, but the part that will take some effort is acting upon it.

I don't need to hate on the guy. Timmy's presence has motivated me to do different things; he never told me what to do and I didn't do them so he'd like me more. I lost the weight I needed to lose, got rid of some other baggage, and-- opened up to someone again. For whatever reason, our feelings for each other really only go so far. They're not going the distance to become something more, and that does a lot to the sense of gravity and ability to go further in terms of something exclusive. It can go the course for a friendship, but not the next level, and this is something I'm sure we can admit.

downwind | upstream