Cafe Hitch-hike

2018-12-24

Feels very right

Happy Holidays. I've had staycations before, and they all have given me an interesting sense of stillness and being centered. I bond a bit more with my abode, and enjoy little things I usually overlook in the daily routine. This morning, I made myself a latte with the Bialetti espresso maker, and steamed the milk with a tin can that can be heated on a stove element.

This also blends well with the overall holidays. The Cannabis Condo has a Nativity scene, ceramic tree, paper Christmas elves given to me from a high school friend from Denmark, and various figurines of snowmen and Santa. I have the candy cane made of beads that I gave to Uncle Jerk back in 1981, and it made its way back to me when he cleaned out his Christmas decor years later. I also have the Christmas mouse my kid sister Rosepetal gave me; it was made out of red and green felt, and had googly eyes with a little slit where a candy cane can double as its tail, which was where I put the beaded candy cane.

The living room windows have icicle lights along with the patio/lennai (bahahah). The living room windows also have candlestick lights. Although I've had these lights for 17 years, they still are super-bright! I bought these lights when I was in grad school. During the following year, I added a lit garland and hung it on my exterior windows. I'd like to think it added some holiday cheer to my narrow, snow-covered street.

The candlesticks were something I liked back in the river valley hometown. We had an area with beautiful, stately mansions, and many of them had candlestick lights in their windows. I remember the wreaths on the front doors, and garlands and ribbons wrapped around the black, iron wrought light posts. I remember watching snow fall and also shoot upward from the huge public works snowplows pushing it off the streets. Snow, lots of snow. It was Michigan, snow naturally occurred there, and so fucking much of it (**said with much humor and affection**)!!

Christmas. I don't think I'm going to undertake a meltdown this holiday. It happened about 10 days ago when I wrote about that holiday doomsday scenario. I'm really glad I stayed home. I needed the stillness I described earlier. It is perfectly ok to play this one solo. I had a big change very recently, and about to go through another shortly. I need this anchor as opposed to running all over hell to visit, dine, shop, and manage headaches.

I have some gatherings to attend tonight that popped up, and I will attend a dinner and then I heard of a dance. A dance? I've never properly celebrated Saturnalia even though I'm a day or 2 behind, so I'll do that. I'd also like to go to Christmas mass tomorrow, and hopefully I can find a church that has a choir.

Also, thanks to the power of Instant Messenger and Skype, I will definitely reach out and touch someone, like in the old jingle used by Bell Telephone back in the 80s. I may even get in touch with my siblings and see what they and their crazy kids are up to.

In case nothing pans out for a Christmas Day meal, well, I bought a hallaca from a local Latin restaurant and will get some chocolates and Christmas cookies. I got a trial to Amazon Prime, so I may be watching the heck out of some shows and maybe even get some eBooks to read on my work iPad. If I really need something to do, I can just do some professional writing (bahahahahah!).

Oh, yeah, and here's another thing about staying home. I'm not sure how long ago I was this still. I didn't know this, but... I am really amped up most of the time! If I'm not thinking, I'm moving. If I'm not moving, I'm working. If I'm not working, I always find something to do, whether it's an errand or anything else. I'm never bored. I watched TV all day yesterday and snuggled with the dog under the covers, and there was something so nurturing about that. I hon-est-LY needed this break from everything.

Real Estate Counsel and Guidance. I spent the last couple of days in my previous week giving money to people for various real estate matters. Yeppers, the purchase is moving forward! I had to sign an application since the purchase is for a condo and I needed to apply to the homeowners association. I was sent a 40 page document that needed signatures, so I headed over to my realtor's office to print and sign it.

I planned just to do that and then run it over to the HOA's office which was only 4 miles away from the office and call it a day, but Carlos the realtor offered to take me there. During the process of completing the application and then driving it over, he kindly reviewed everything and explained the next steps. Carlos was talking business, but I noticed other things emerge. He provided counsel, but it was caring, warm, kind, and... genuine. I could feel it, and I was touched. Carlos has an interesting skill set (engineer, air traffic controller, and aviator) along with an ambitious sales career. The back hallways and employee area of his national chain realtor office were full of signs urging its team to sell, sell, and sell; it reminded me of Glengary Glen Ross (bahaahha), but Carlos wasn't giving me a pitch. As we wrapped up the drive, he emphatically said, "you're doing this on your own, and I want to tell you these things."

As we exchanged good-byes in the parking lot, he stepped into the drive but kept talking. I spotted someone absentmindedly driving towards him while he talked, and as she drove closer, I touched his elbow with a polite and unpanicked alarm, and guided him away from the car's path.

Despite what I write on these pages, I tend to be quite private in person. I know it makes it hard for others to get to know me at times, but everyone once in a while, someone can read me with amazing precision. The part that gets me is when someone can do this, goes the extra step to relate and shares something that is amazing. Yes, his warmth and gosh-- fatherly advice was quite moving, and I want to hold onto that.

In the Cards. In the past 2 months, my tarot card readings have consistently been giving me the 2 of Cups and either Empress or Queen of Pentacles. After the third time, I joked, "you again?" and smiled. Two of cups: mutual attraction, love, connection. Empress and Queen of Pentacles: new business, art, female love, and heck, fertility.

However, I kind of sigh about that. Timmy reminded me of a past relationship where we had a sense of affinity and quite a nice attraction, but past that was a wall of coolness that pushed me away when I got too close. In both instances, I found myself backing off and playing it cool, and then-- resenting it. It really sucks to have to shut parts of myself down so I don't appear clingy, needy, dramatic, or God forbid, too much of a woman. Oh, but both guys didn't mind the womanly parts of my body once damn bit.

Then, I think of the friends I do (and did) have who are happy to hear from me, see me, and wow, care for me and do things for me. These are people who want me to get closer and like when I do, whether it's as a friend or lover. Thankfully, I am more aware of these things so I can go to things that raise my chi instead of stunt it.

I also drew either The Tower (uprooting) or The Devil (being held captive to something or someone). I think I know exactly what all of those things mean when put together. It's going to be 21 days since Timmy and I last messed around, and the 28 day mark will be a great step towards uprooting and hell, shaking myself way from something that's probably not so good in the long run.

I told Timmy over the weekend I was too tired to go for a drink one night (true, and needed some space to digest some conclusions I reached earlier that week). I said I got off online dating so I could tend to business matters. I added that the holidays aren't the greatest of times to spark romance, not to mention it being too busy or frantic for it to happen. I wanted to cleanse my palate for the new year (very true). Maybe he got the impression that it included him (also true).

Full Circle. I can say I've been able to see some things full circle this year, and it's not bad. I began the year wanting to rebuild and reconnect with myself after spending a year and a half forcing myself into fitting into something else. I saw some really hard work bear some fruit, and I can say I was able to close certain matters.

I can bring myself to say that being in love isn't only its lovely dance at the beginning and holding on to or being in a relationship. Being in love (and I don't mean with a person but just being) means to ride it out on its full cycle, from its beginning to where it makes its big transition to either ending or changing, and everything in-between. Being in love means to welcome it when it comes in, changes, and starts again. Being in love means... living with it and interacting with it every step of the way, even when you think someone or something is gone, because it really isn't. It just changed into something a little different. It seems kinda loca, but for some reason, it's another feeling that has settled in me and feels kinda right. It sits well with the decision I made to follow my own advice: do what I normally do, but slow down and spend a little more time at home. Feels kinda right? No. Feels very right.

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