Cafe Hitch-hike


I've had to say an awful lot

Was Timmy being for real with his recent displays of interest, or was he being opportunistic?

Is he really trying to have an actual relationship with me, or does he need me to help him after his shoulder surgery to come in 2 days?

Did the 35 days of no sex and little face-to-face time make him think a little more about me and us, or did he think, I'll be a certain way, say certain things, and she'll be eating out of my hand.

Was he really moved when I told him we should give each other space so we could pursue the type of relationship we truly wanted? Or, was he thinking, oh shit, she's swimming away and she's never done this before! I better reel her back in!

I still don't know exactly how I feel about him. Will he always be so flaky (which I still think he is) or is he really trying to take things further?

I like him a lot, but is our attachment really that healthy?

Yes, I love him... like a friend. I also care about him. I also like being around him and talking to him. My anxiety sometimes gets in the way, but when it doesn't, that's how I usually feel.

I recognize we do have a connection and even a relationship. I'm not going to bother wondering why it hadn't gone further, but I do wonder if the stalemate we've had for quite some time going to be all there is, or if things inch forward. I understand that both possibilities are common in relationships.

I think about the ways I've felt for others and the times I felt like I was in love. Relationships have their own qualities and form at their own pace. Feelings also evolve the same way. Some things take time, but what's the difference between something taking their time versus when something is at a stalemate?

What I can say in my heart is I feel disheartened by his emotional and physical coolness. I still haven't been able to fully hold him. Even in the dream I had of him where I did, I still felt a firm boundary. I don't think we've ever held hands. He asked me last week why I've never initiated these things, and I said I didn't get the impression he wanted them. It's things like this that make me feel like he takes what he wants and then a door is shut on me. It hurts, and I turn and walk away. I did this for 35 days, only for the door to swing back open again. I now just don't know if it's going to shut again, if it's open so I can give him something once again, or if he's trying. I see all of the above as equal possibilities.

How do I keep the faith? I'm surprised at my patience with this! Maybe because I'm delusional and wish, wish, wish, or maybe something really is there.

How do I know this isn't my fears speaking, or my tendency to think negatively? Maybe this is my wisdom or maybe my experience speaking.

I just feel so confused, and maybe this is also something I need to say.

Boy, I sure have had to say an awful lot of things throughout this relationship.

downwind | upstream