Cafe Hitch-hike

2019-04-23

That's just the way it is, as Bruce Hornsby once sang

Maybe I should just quit trying. Maybe I should just withdraw my attempts and efforts. Maybe I should just throw in the towel. I've tried long enough. I've put in immense efforts. If this is the way it's going to be, then hey, it's the way it's going to be. Radically accept that certain things won't change, and I just need to muster up the serenity to accept it as the prayer goes.

I have my good days and my bad days. Take a guess at which one today was? I know my moods have cycles and that when I see this tidal wave of emotions come in, take a deep breath and just let the wave roll over me. Yeah, it will tumble me around underwater, I've had many times where I whirrled around underwater, where the currents pushed, pulled, or spun me in different directions and I have to get my bearings. God knows I've been held down by breaking waves in the beach, and so far I've been able to get on my feet and my head above the water just in time. That's how it usually works.

Ok, maybe I'm finally acknowledging and feeling what it was like to end a relationship wrought with gaslighting and breadcrumbing. Maybe it finally hit me. I dallied with this person for almost a year, he never really changed the way he treated me, I gave away a lot of my power in that relationship, and I went with it. I guess I feel like quite the idiot, not the intelligent woman I'd like to think I am. and quite the sucker for what I hoped might be love.

I remember at the end of one relationship, an older person told me everyone has played the fool in love, as that song goes. She remarked that she had been at it for much longer than me, which kind of made me laugh. Wow, so it keeps going on that way? I feel encouraged, haha, but it's true that everyone tosses in their chips into that great poker table of romance. The chips could be money, sex, love, affection, or something offered up by anyone who wants to get in the game.

I've been out of touch with Timmy. I decided on that. There was wisdom in my previous decision to cut him off on social media (he got in touch with me last year in February). A part of me knows that it really did take almost a year to see what this person was really like. My impressions of him were correct all along, but I didn't have them fully assembled. I had certain impressions of him when we met way back when, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he had just gotten divorced and I thought he was just acting wiggy. No, he really was that wiggy!

Well, I'll miss the sex, but that's no big deal. His energy was very interesting, but everything else about the sex I've seen many times before and probably will in the future.

There were certain attributes I always liked about him, but I saw it was mostly parts of his affable public face. Behind the scenes, he was opportunistic, shallow, and almost obsessed with appearances. Affection was erratic, and tenderness was rare. Oh, we could chat and talk. He did largely get me, but despite that, affection was erratic and tenderness was rare. The last time I felt that lonely with someone was with Felipe. Huh, maybe I really faced a draw when I had to decide between the 2? Maybe it wouldn't had made a damn bit of difference who I had chosen because the relationships were so similar. (I can be thankful those were the only 2 of that kind since 2011, so it's not necessarily a pattern).

Then, sometimes I get frustrated with myself. I've finally acknowledged that when most people feel things, they feel it usually 4 to 5 on a level of 1 to 10, and their response level is pretty close. Well, I get to feel them on an 7 or 8, and yeah, my reaction is proportionate. I could be feeling radiant (or blah), passionate (or cool), or serious (or sily), and my high sensitivity and reaction to them are just about the same!

I wish I could dull it. I wish it could be fixed. I once said this to someone who did not have this going for him, and he asked why I would want to change that. Well, because it's a double edged sword that often cuts me! Maybe I just have to accept the wiring I've been given. People accepted a brash, mouthy guy like Remy. People loved an abusive prick like my step-father. I should just cut myself some slack and simply sit with my congenital and self-made flaws.

Here I am, with a decent job in paradise with everything I need. The objective descriptions of my life aren't at all bad. And yet, some extremely defective piece in my head (or elsewhere) just can't allow me to just let me sit in what surrounds me and enjoy it at times. It's like a broken piece kicks in once in a while and gums up the works in my head. That piece just distorts it all, I see something different than what is really there, and I feel like no matter what I try to do, it just stays the way it is until it decides to untwist itself.

I don't know where my sense of openness went. I'm less kind than I used to be and more judgmental. My face just hasn't looked the same lately. I still say to myself that i don't want to become bitter at the end of my life, but it's days like this where I just shake my head and tell myself that's just the way it is, as Bruce Hornsby once sang.

downwind | upstream