Cafe Hitch-hike


Wish her well

I had to chill. We had more bloodshed at the workplace under the guise of retirements. The wackiness has hit new levels. I've probably said this before, I just hope nothing gets too bad... My uncle in Austin told me about how one of the UT libraries had suicides by students jumping off the 5th or 6th floor onto the concrete atrium. No, I'm not kidding. I really do hope nothing that extreme happens before a change takes place. And even then, things will be very rocky for a while. It's just gotten that bizarre. I'm seriously thinking about looking elsewhere in the locale for work, but I'm not sure if it would do me much good.

I was being facetious about a former job I had before I started working there. I after I accepted the job offer, I joked to myself they weren't telling me that people were viciously territorial and 2 employees took their own life from the stress of it. Well, the first part was true, 1 person did take her own life (she also had some mental problems besides), and I left because I had a nervous breakdown.

The thing is higher ed. is extremely dysfunctional and volatile. I see it, and we are gradually getting bent over a barrel just as the K-12 education system. There seems to be no safe place. Hell, sex workers have been complaining that the disappearance of online sites made their job more dangerous. Even the world's oldest profession is even in a state of despair.

I initiated a conversation with some people in a department outside of mine because of some changes. My boss and the division head came along. The outside department is headed by Slick, a guy who gave a presentation in his interview, and I honestly thought he was way, way, waaaaaaay too good for us. I even wrote a fictitious letter to him (which I archived elsewhere) where I told him just that. I guess he was desperate because he took the job (and from what I understand, our Grand Pubah didn't even like him but just needed someone). Anyhow, I agree with some changes Slick is bringing. He wasn't proposing anything radical at all, only shit that every other institution of esteem is doing (and I am highly conversant at why they are being done, and I agree with the reasons).

During our interdepartmental conversation, my poor supervisor gave me a look like how could you? How could I what? Want the building to be in the 21st century? My boss sulked for a bit after the meeting. I, meanwhile, tiptoed to Slick's office and thanked him for what he did. He is definitely an Alpha Male and I see where he rubs people the wrong way. I've dealt with people like that, and the best thing to do is see and hear through their projected image, never back down (they'll respect you less if you do), and pay attention to what they really are saying. But, saying that to Slick was the brightest part of my day. Oh, yeah, and he's a good ol' boy from the Gulf Coast, so I liked him already.

At least mi casa is looking more like it belongs to me. When my buddy Jimbob visited 2 months ago, I dreamed my spare room was really comfy, colorful, and amazing, and that was where he slept. That dream literally sparked my imagination! I totally want to do that ro my room! I've been making great progress on getting rid of things and allocating others to closets. My living room is filling out soooo beautifully. I got some new furnishings, but I've been able to integrate some of my former ones. I felt quite content because of it. After my buddy Donnie the Masshole came by to help me put up the new TV, I sat in the living room for half of the day and just took it all in. I didn't even know the term until he called himself that, which is a combination of 'Massachusetts' native and 'asshole.'

Next is the dining room. My goal is to find a square table with a leaf to extend it, have 2 chairs, and then a bench. I will put it against the wall instead of in the middle of the already-compact space, and then get a little Ikea light fixture and hang it up in that corner. Now, I search and await for that right and perfect square living room table (with a leaf and a bench).

I had to bite the dust and get a new refrigerator. I thought I'd try to see if I could do anything, but when I looked up repairs, my problem could be one of 6 complicated things that I could not do. If I called a repair man, it would be at least $500. I just said, 'fuck it,' and got a new one for $150 more than a repair. I didn't get an ice maker, and that's fine by me. I've had trouble with those things, and I decided to just keep things simple as possible so I'm not slapped with an onerous repair bill down the road.

I colonized the master bath and it feels great. I got a dual showerhead (bahahaha, and yes, I do plan to use it for what you all are thinking, or at least 2 uses). The thing is, the detachable one doesn't spray well behind who ever is is under the main one. I actually found a workaround that did not involve drilling anything, and so... heh-heh-heh. However, it does feel nice that the 2 heads are right above me, and I feel like I'm standing in rain. My bad for depleting water supplies, but what the hell? We'll all be dead someday.

I tossed my hat back into the dating ring. I actually don't feel squeamish. I'm following the advice I gave to Lily about 3 years ago when I saw she was stressed from work. I suggested she findba beau, even if it's for dinner and drinks once a week. She met someone, and as far as I know, she's still with him.

Yeah, and part of it is me thinking I shouldn't stop myself from adding happiness to my life. I don't feel terrible about Timmy; if anything, I'm relieved he's not around so I can be around someone I can enjoy more. That means... ok, let's go have a little fun! Also, Timmy was quite jealous. I look forward to the day he sees me looking cute and happy with some fine ass guy, and we're enjoying ourselves and each other. If I see him with another woman, I'll just think, oh girl, good luck with that! I can't remember who I thought of when I said that not long ago. Instead of me feeling jealous about a woman being with a former beau, I just wish her well.

Then, meanwhile, the memory of Uncle Joe stays with me like a whisper. I know he's gone, but a part of me still doesn't think so. As I get more comfortable in my house and what he left me, I sit quietly and soak it in. I realized this is part of what a parent ideally does. They provide their young with the internal and external tools so they can thrive.

In a way, children are creations of parents. Children are extensions of them. If a parent does right by their children, and their children are able to thrive because of that influence, well... wouldn't that be an extension of their reach, even when they are gone?

Maybe that was why things felt so weird. I recently told my mentor that the influence of all of my parents made my siblings and I weaker for going out into the world. They brought us suffering, and we left home wounded and more vulnerable. My parents left me with things, and they needed to be fixed, converted, or rehabilitated. Maybe I felt weird about what Joe left me because this was one of very few times when a parent left me with something I could build upon, rather than something I had to fix.

His memory feels like a soft whisper because that's probably what it feels like when a parent is supportive and wants their young to be ready to face the world. It's not just because the parent wants to have that influence or have the sense they live on after they pass away. Maybe it's also a parent's expression of love, plain and simple, even after they are gone.

downwind | upstream