Cafe Hitch-hike

2019-08-09

It's been calling for quite some time

Vacations are a netherworld compared to the rest of the day-by-day life. I understand that.

It was so hard to return to the building that I swear is a condominium for Dementors. I swear the holiday/ vacation joy was sucked out of me at the end of the second day! How is this possible?

It looks like I'll have to conjure a Patronus Charm against that shit. I'll pick the memory of me riding on the back of Copperas's puttering moped through the Dutch countryside, or maybe riding on the back of Remy's Harley through The Keys, or maybe both. Maybe I need a long, long list for while I'm in the building.

I need to get the fuck out of this place somehow. I probably should find a plan rather than for me to unconsciously sabatoge myself and they kick me out instead.

After talking about the trip with my mentor and a couple other guys on my executive cabinet, they are convinced that Copperas is in the closet, both to the world and to himself. They all said the same things about how they got to the conclusion. I hate to say it, but it kinda makes sense. It also would not be the first time feelings were shared between me and man who turned out to be homo- or bi-sexual. It has happened at least 4 times since-- the time we met.

Well, C. was sweet and sent me a message this morning when I woke up. Whatever his orientation may or may not be, I'd still want him in my life and yes, he would still be a special part of me.

My mentor told me to think grandly about what I'd like to do. Last year, he told me to consider moving overseas for a while, and he suggested I do that. He described the turmoil he felt when he had to consider last year if he wanted to retire or change the location of his practice. Hahaha, it was similar to my inner torment before stepping over the threshold on major decisions! He said he was nervous when he signed the 3-year lease on his new office space, but once he did it, he felt peace. He believes it would be the same for me.

Think grand. I'm not saying this because of Copperas, but I wouldn't mind moving away for a short time. I'd love to get a job in Europe! It wouldn't even have to be doing what I'm doing. Ideally, I could rent my house and keep it, and then come back. Or, maybe a relative can live in it (paying rent) and I'd always have a home base to crash when I come back. I wouldn't mind working for the ayahuasca couple for a while (hahahahah). That would be really interesting learning more about that type of medicine.

Grand... Live in California. Live in Colombia for a while and improve my Spanish. Work on tourism; I can throw a good party and know how to show others a good time. Well... the mentor said 'think grand,' so what could a girl like me do that feeds her soul and spirit rather than strip them???

I excused myself from this morning's meeting and stood in the bathroom stall muttering to myself, "God, Goddess, please give me a sign on where to go next, and please let my head be clear enough not to get in the way of that signal!" I had to stand there for 10 minutes before the inner sense of frustration, futility, and despair could take its course, and I could return to the meeting without wearing the supreme version of a resting bitch face.

I know a change has been calling to me for quite some time, I know it has. But what, where, and how... it beats the shit out of me.

downwind | upstream