Cafe Hitch-hike


Tell it to me

Yeah, yeah. Tell it to me. I've been given this speech before.

My presence hurts your heart. The separation is painful. You wish either we could be together, or that something clears in that gridlock known as your heart. Maybe my presence stings because it brought out soft feelings you've locked away for too long, and they hurt like hell because they've finally seen the light of day. Maybe you're even more upset that you still can't shake the walls in your heart just as you couldn't 28 years ago, and you feel even worse.

Or, maybe you're just plain frustrated that you can't have me or we can't be together. Join the fucking club. I've cried this song plenty of times myself, so I've (once again) been on both teams in that game. Falling for unavailable or distant people is one of my specialties, yet one I finally and firmly want to to address in my own life because our meeting again pushed it onto me.

Whatever the case may be, say it. Say we can't be in contact. Say it's too painful. I feel very similar. I told myself this morning when I woke up that this hurt in my heart must be surrendered. I must accept things the way they are, address them, let them heal, and move on the best I possibly can.

You're probably right, a ceasefire in communication may be what we need for the time, until we healed and can come back around. Or, maybe we cannot.

Well, speaking for myself, I have a pretty good fucking track record of people coming back around, so perhaps I can just shrug and think to myself, 'yeah, I'll see this one again. Don't know when, but I'll see and hear in some capacity.' I tend to not the one who returns (Copperas, you were one of very, very few), but others have to me in some capacity.

I have a major presentation with my crew on stuff we've never presented, but thanks for your little message while I rehearsed. I was very happy to hear from you. You always bring a smile to my face and care to my heart. Why? Just because. Just because, man. We must have had a connection in a past life, I don't know (hahahah), but I do know I must confront this love equating to distance, separation, and convincing someone to love me back, and that seeing you again has made me look back on my last 28 years of-- the life of my heart and even being a woman.

Anyhow, anyhow, anyhow... Until we speak later and have this inevitable conversation, I feel the same. Our heartstrings must had been tugging the shit out of ourselves and each other this morning. I'm sure you're feeling it bad; you usually procrastinate at getting ready for anything, but you've been killin' it with your lectures and syllabi, and went on a survival weekend. You've got shit you want to forget and/or process, and been burning energy to do it, I get it. You were going to tell me now, but I have a presentation and you didn't want to ruffle my feathers. I just get to wait for you to tell me. Well, at least it won't be done while the Moon is Void of Course; at least if you really want to get something done, it will happen.

I love you, you're amazing, and I miss you anyhow. I don't care what you tell me. Those things will eventually fade a bit and I carry a part of them with me wherever I go, but say everything. Tell me everything I don't want to hear. I'm sure it will split me even more, but at least it will make more things in the open. Maybe then it will make us more free.

Or, the schoolgirl and the schoolboy within us meet the adult sides and agree that nothing can keep us apart and we can scale whatever walls we have within and outside ourselves. Hardey har, just like a Nicholas Sparks novel. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

downwind | upstream