Cafe Hitch-hike


Cat 5, DEFCon 1, and Long Games

Dorian was one wicked storm! It was only about 120 miles away and directly east of me as a very powerful Category 5 storm (you can read all about those right here). The weather spirits and whatever other forces at work brought some fronts that pushed it back from my area, but we can't say the same for the Bahamas where parts of it were just crushed.

Hmmm... so Cat 5 storms have formed every year for the past 5 years? There's no such thing as climate change, especially when considering Europe's annual heatwaves also (supposedly) are not an anomaly, and that the ice caps are melting. Riiiiight.

After 3 days of hunkering down, I decided to prime the glowing yellow walls of my dining room, master bedroom, and hallway. I discovered that paint also goes on sale (like say, sells at half price) during the holiday weekends, so I jumped on that right away. It was a lot of work, and it's the prep and clean-up that takes up most of it. My parts of my house are a bit disassembled. I will rest on this morning (I'm kind of beat from the labor) and will resume reassembly in the afternoon.

The realities of homeownership have hit me. The upgrades I plan to make to this place are going to be a long game in my life. There's things I can do myself but I will have to hire assistance for other things. A Honey Dew List ("honey, do this--") is forming:

Paint a bunch of rooms
Demold the outer storage unit
Clean the living room rug (which quickly got dirty)
Replace electrical outlets and light switches (the old ones are faded, yellow plastic).

There's more, and that is just the beginning.

I was told during the retreat that it was time for me to start another long game in my life as an investment. The long game? Well, well, the long game is my specialty! The house is one obvious start, and then there's my education. Through some recent coincidences, I will be meeting someone to discuss a program. It's is totally time to change the vibe of things.

The contacts I made at the last 2 librarian conventions were no coincidence, especially as I consider the accomplishments that flanked them. The fact that certain opportunities are becoming visible is another thing, and so are my interests and attributes being locked in to them. I really have topped out in doing what I am doing, and if I don't make certain moves, I am doing a huge disservice to myself.

I've had a quirky life force, even since I was a wee little one. My energy just moves in a certain way, and there had been many times in my life that I wanted it to be or tried forcing it to be normal, which were always disasters. It takes a lot of energy to keep it in place and channel it, but I see that it is drained when I'm not directing it into something that nourishes it. It doesn't mean I must constantly have peak experiences (like every day of my life is spent doing something as kick ass as my recent trip), but it's important that I am able to do something constructive that also gives back. I guess I can blame the recent Uranus transits for that.

I met someone recently, and they had really interesting friends and everyone had a great time. They are hardworking, professional, and yet down to earth. And, they had hip dysplasia which really slows him down and he can't walk far or very fast. The chemistry as friends was good, but beyond that, I didn't feel much. He felt more, but I just did not.

It reminded me of a few years ago when I dated a man with multiple sclerosis, and he retired early because it was difficult to work full-time. He was a fiery, go-getter of a guy (which kind of scared me at times because he came on very strong). He was easy company and I liked being with him, but the MS did get in the way rather significantly. I felt like the worse person in the world for not wanting to continue dating him. I felt selfish and that I lacked empathy and compassion. What if the tables were turned and I was in that situation? What will happen in the future if he required constant care? I had to let go and felt pretty bad about that one.

All I did was go for dinner and drinks with Max, the person with the walking issues. Once again, I felt like a bad person. There were times in the past where I tried to be compassionate and giving towards others with a limitation (God knows I have my own). Sometimes, the relationship ended because of that limitation. It got draining to adjust and give.

I once dated a guy who was clinically depressed and I soon learned he had an alcohol problem. His actions also brought other health and legal issues that made things very complicated. It felt like that brief relationship centered around his illnesses and at a certain point, I had to cut that off.

I think I'll have to keep meeting others. I know that my hypersensitivity complicates my perception, but I also know I can't override it for very long. I've come to see how it also complicates my ability to interact with others a bit more intimately; I pick something up and I'm emotionally on my way to DEFCON 1. I'm trying to built the inner strength (or summon, acknowledge and embrace it) so that I don't freak out at things I don't like or make me feel a bit weary. Life is all about taking chances, yes? Life cannot be lived being hunkered down like a Cat 5 storm is approaching. Everyone makes mistakes and it's a matter of how the rebound is handled.

I know that I cannot keep involuntarily reverting back to the cold, hard fear that letting myself go is synonymous to having outcomes like most of the women in my family: giving yourself to someone equals signing away one's life and soul. Hell, it almost makes sense to take that approach when it's viewed like that, right? So what do I do? Pursue the unattainable ones so it doesn't happen. There's my conundrum in a nutshell, but that the hell? The rest of my life is quite fine, otherwise.

downwind | upstream