Cafe Hitch-hike


Door #1, #2, or #3

I was writing about being drained in my last post. The feeling has been throttling me a bit. I am gradually integrating all the shit I learned from all the trips I took these past 4 months and before that. It occurred to me that 2018 was quite the watershed year, personally, for me.

Uncle's anniversary is in a few days, and yeah, there's still not-so-subtle effects of that. His death really was a big game changer. I made a nice In Memoriam flyer that I gave to our relatives and also a post in our hometown newspaper that will be out in this Sunday's edition. That way, his classmates, associates, and other affiliates can see it.

Drained. Yeah, I've got a lot to do, and there's some new endeavors that may be getting started. One of them is a sure thing (education), and I have some preparations to do for that. It also occurred to me that I better get some other things squared away before I go full throttle in that direction.

House stuff. I hired my colleague's roommate to help me do some painting, and it was offered at an excellent price. Tonight, that will be taking place (painting some closets and a hallway). The thought of painting the rest of the house interior by myself was really overwhelming. But, at least the house is feeling more like it is mine. Once that is all done, I hope to put the spare bedroom to use as an office because I am really, really, really going to need that space!

There's also some things I need to prepare for the educational part like get some letters of recommendation from Dr. Charlie, my old adviser Ol' Blue Eyes, and then Bernardo-- all people who love me, hahahah. I'll definitely embrace that love because I'm gonna need all the love I can get for this endeavor. I have some other things like an interview and then a test to take, not to mention a little bit of homework and background fact-finding that will help with the interview.

I just take heed in remembering what it was like to return to graduate school and what all of that included. I looked forward to it, but felt cautious because of the implosion of my internship and because it was a considerable risk of time and money. My anxiety level was through the roof for the first semester of it (oh, yeah, and 9/11 occurred soon after I started, so a major national event colored that experience). Looking at the effects, it was definitely the right time and on so many levels. Things did fall into place and I got what I needed. It worked out well in the long run, too. (Hah, I can actually be genuinely chirpy about something). In some ways, this new step is following some though not all patterns. I'm approaching it with a sense of openness, and to allow what will be to be. I wish I could approach it more optimistically, but I guess I'm too much of a hard realist to do that.

The other endeavor: something a bit different on the job front. For that, it's hurry up and wait. I know, I know, bureaucracies will go their pace and their decisions tend to not make much sense. In the discussions, I asked some questions that seemed pretty straightforward, but when I thought it over a second time, it occurred to me that the responses will reveal A LOT about the job and its perceived role. I'm so glad I asked those questions.

I talked with my mentor about all of this, and he said all of this would sap anyone. They are some big endeavors and they involve a lot of heavy lifting, especially to get it started. Thankfully, I'm resourceful and well organized, so I know how to lay down the path. It almost reminds me of my recent trip overseas where I had my itinerary laid out a certain way so I could get the info. I needed quickly, and that I was able to share it with others so they'd know where I was and who to call. Some of the preparations won't be too different. The trip preparations also helped a lot because all I had to do was show up to wherever I planned on being and not think or worry too much about them, and I could just enjoy my trip. So I moved house earlier this year. Now I'm just moving a lot of intangible things in my life.

Door #1, #2, or #3... I sure feel really drained, and just hope to grasp something that puts air in my lungs and maybe a lightness in my heart again.

downwind | upstream