Cafe Hitch-hike

2019-11-17

Sputtering all over the map

Puppy Dog got a great bill of health when she got her semi-annual check up. The area between her pointy nose and her eyes are getting speckled with white, but other than that, the vet said she was doing great in terms of her age. I remember 8 years ago that I had a dream of her and she was white in her face, and she was still with me. I've been very fortunate to have had this little canine companion for me these 10 years (9 full time). She's opened up so many doors in my life. I have to remember than when I'm irritated with her leaving "presents" on the floor, waking me up in the middle of the night to sniff stuff outside, and getting dramatic for people food.

The family is now just floating in the no-man's land of waiting... At least the obsessive, ticker-tape like thoughts of Ariel's death faded from my mind. I identified a cremation place, paperwork has been submitted, and now we just wait.

Ariel's cousins have been chattering a lot about this. She also has a younger half-brother who is 15 years old, and the oldest cousin of hers is 24. The cousins are on IM a lot, but I mostly skip the conversations. It's just not my scene. However, I can't imagine what it's like to be a young adult or teenager and have to go through a violent death of a close relative. They have each other and they've been very open about their feelings.

Yeah, this past week marks 29 years ago when my birth father died. I had my newly discovered half-sisters to lean on and a couple of my paternal relatives, otherwise I was on my own. People assumed that just because my father wasn't in my life that I wouldn't experience grief. That wasn't true at all, and I had no one to talk to about it on my mother's side. Just as it is with my cousins, I was able to talk to some friends my age who also had kind and wise words. With all of that in mind, I'm so glad my nieces and nephews have each other.

I get occasional updates from my sis Big Momma who is Beads's (mother of the deceased) right hand woman. BM's been taking a lot of time off work to help with all of this. She was definitely the matron of my sibling unit (and I guess that makes me the patron since my Bro Deebo is in the younger end of the line). We still don't know when a funeral can take place. It's up to the Orange County medical examiner's office. All I know is I'll get the bill once the cremation papers are signed away (and hopefully the victims advocate office gives me the reimbursement like they say they will). I volunteered for that part of the deal; a relative is paying for the funeral, and no one in the hometown had the means to cover an $800 cremation, even with reimbursement.

The thought floats in the back of my mind that I wondered when something like this would happen, losing a relative to a violent death. Sometimes things felt so over the top in terms of shit I heard that at multiple times, I wondered who it would be, under what circumstances, and when. Well, now we have it and it was with a kid. Sis BM and I also mutually agreed that chaos would had reigned if it happened to someone in our mother's generation. It's not that we have it under control-- well, yes it is! We are handling it much better. The other thing that helps is females have the majority and most the men aren't types who would start fights over anything.

It also shows in how my niece's final arrangements are being made. No one wanted anything to do with planning those for Uncle Joe although Uncle Bert got that rolling (and Yours Truly cut the check), but for Ariel's we have a mini-committee and people who stepped in to help.

So what now? I don't know. It feels quite retarded to start anything new at this time. Things are kind of in the air. I'm sure I can still take a class in the spring (one is being offered in March). I still have no word on the job for which I applied in my building. I forgot to send a thank-you note after the interview... my brain was fried afterward and I took the next day off, and then the following day we got word of my niece. I'll have to ask if I should send a note, even this late in the game. I kinda felt like I've been sputtering a bit because I've been all over the goddamned map in terms of geography, my brain, and even work matters, so wow... Guess I should just proceed in baby steps.

downwind | upstream