Cafe Hitch-hike

2019-12-04

Touching back

My brother and cousin joined forces with me to give sis Beads a nice little visit. Her mission was successful because she was able to get her daughter's cremated ashes a day after she arrived. She also got to meet the detective who is handling the case.

As if B's case didn't have enough drama, she and her son stopped at a gas station across the street from the cremation office before her meeting. They stepped out of the store and stood outside to smoke when a cop asked them to return to their car. She didn't ask, so they left and parked in the cremation office lot. Beads then saw 3 other cop cars pull up and a man leave in cuffs. Apparently, the store was robbed right after she left.

I never was crazy about Orlando, but damn, this just puts the icing on that cake.

When I saw Beads, the emotions got so much closer. She was still in shock over her daughter, and was trying so hard to keep it together. As the 4 of us hung out, things did get a bit lighter. We had the traditional Thanksgiving dinner and actually felt normal for that spell with laughing and jokes intertwined with regular conversation. We smoked copious amounts of herb while we were there (Deebo, Drew, and I brought our own blends, so we kind of had a sampler which we thought was funny). Miss Marley the pup was the belle of the ball and charmed everyone. Beads especially liked her and they sat together for the longest.

For the next day, Deebo and Drew took us to a cabana bar on the bay that used to be owned by Hulk Hogan. We chatted it up with this-- character-- who had a nice boat who said he'd take people if they had ass or gas money. We could had shown him a nice time on the boat (involving no ass), but he was waiting on some drunk girls who'd stumble on board. That sounds like a nice recipe for date rape, but whatev. We laughed at him and walked away. We ended up on Clearwater Beach's pier where we had some brews and watched the sliver of moon set into the Gulf. We all were up for partying, but we were so tired that we were all in bed by midnight.

Beads did appreciate the company and cheer we brought, and thanked us for not talking too much about Arielle. It wasn't like we didn't want to bring her up, but the 3 of us agreed that we felt really fatigued and chose to give it a little rest. We didn't forget or want to push it away. We were just so emotionally worn out.

Like deaths of significant people, B. definitely wants to make some changes in her life. What those will be and how they pan out remain to be seen. I really am hoping and praying for her. I've never seen grief like this. It goes way, way beyond any of the deaths I experienced directly or indirectly.

I then re-read my paper diary from my second psychedelics retreat. I didn't write about this part of the experience on these pages, but I got terrible chills. I then imagined I was younger and back in Michigan. It was the middle of winter, and I stood in a drab, near-empty living room of my step-father's house with my sisters and brothers. It was freezing in the house, and I saw frost on the edges of the windows with snow outside. Wow, so it's true that hell really does freeze over, hahah.

The vision stayed with me for a while, and then I heard shouting and things breaking in the distance. I motioned to my sisters and brothers to go into a side room with me so we didn't hear it as much. For some reason, I kept calling Bead's name. I didn't know why. As the vision faded, I was told to pray for my siblings. I asked if I could pray for my parents, too, but the emphasis was on the siblings.

So either my nervous system, levels of consciousness, or the plant medicine (however you want to look at it) said this a month and 2 weeks before my niece was killed! A part of me wonders if it was so we could, beforehand, collect the strength and support necessary to withstand what was to come. What I didn't remember, until I read the diary, was calling B's name and she was the one with a catastrophic loss. It's coincidental, yet it's not with how the pieces came together. It was just... uncanny.

I sometimes think back to that lovely time I recently had in Europe and the people I got to meet and see again. It was so good to touch back because this time, it wasn't on family matters. These were mine. I got to see people I met on my own, I went to places I wanted to see, and all of these were from my own ideas and wishes. I wanted to revisit and get a different perspective, and I did get those. I touched some soft feelings, but they weren't traumatic at all. It all happened because this girl (and various people) were just living and enjoying their lives, and not doing anyone harm. Everything that happened was roots in hopes, adventure, knowledge, curiosity, and dreams.

I think of this song... it popped up on me soon after I got back home. The song reminds me of that journey, the many others I made in 2019, and what I still don't fully understand about them.

One of the things Uncle always said to me was to be thankful... despite all that is happening now, I see and can very much embrace reasons to be thankful.

downwind | upstream