Cafe Hitch-hike

2019-12-18

Wish, maybe?

My sister asked me for a wish list for Christmas. This was initially easy:

**Futon for spare bedroom
**Corner desk and hutch
**Small credenza
**Upgraded bathrooms
**Electrical work (change the GFCI outlets I blew out while trying to replace the waterproof outlet outside, which has wires I don't understand, and work that damn thing, too)
**New ceiling fans for patio and bedroom

I can really wish and add:
**New bedroom furniture, including a new bed.
**No more mortgage (hahahahah!)

Those are the first things that came to mind thanks to the joys of homeownership. However, I soon was able to think of other things:

**That my extended family didn't get so splintered, and that whatever splintered us can be fixed.
**I could have a normal relationship with my siblings, and not one that has always been so distant.
**I could be more receptive to the love and support that probably does exist in my life.
**I didn't have this perpetual wall around me.
**I didn't feel so much mistrust and sometimes fear towards my coworkers.
**My department can interact and work with each other civilly, and be more accepting and open towards each other.
**I not be so cool-hearted in the way I express my feelings for others; hell, that I could express myself without somehow managing to turn others off or that people actually notice what I have to say.

My sister can't buy those things. The house-related stuff is out of her budget (unless she won the a mega-million dollar lottery, hahaha), and the second things have to do with me and what others willingly give.

I could wish to not be so anxious, and for my energy to come back. I guess it's age, but it sure flickers. It's not that I don't give myself rest, that's for damn sure.

I guess my wishes aren't for material things like gifts people can give me, but things that go beyond that. I wish for wholeness, some connection, and maybe some help with the house stuff. I wish for my heart to be open; however, I recognize this is something I've struggled with for a very long time. I remember having concerns like that as far back as high school and even when I was in grad school.

Maybe life is about the struggle to get to those points. It's the doing of things we do to get to where we want to go and what we want to see in life. I really don't have an idea of what it's like to be content with everything as it is and just go with it like others I have known. I wish I knew what that was like, hahaha.

Maybe all I want is just a lens that lets me see better the things I do have, and then I can wish less. Maybe?

downwind | upstream