Cafe Hitch-hike


You get what you put in

Here was a first... I woke up feeling energy after a while. My energy has been all over the damn place since changes happened in my life. It finally occurred to me, thanks to my work with my mentor, that I was finally confronting some very hard feelings I had chucked far, far away.

What's the difference between indulging feelings and opening up to them? I didn't realize that getting rid of the house I had in Gulf Bluff 12 years ago had such a difficult effect. I had a lot of hopes and wishes attached to that purchase. And damn, I was able to do it on my own! I didn't have a co-signer and I didn't put down a lot of money to make it happen. I really liked that house and put a lot work (and money) into it! But, things went south on the job and I couldn't see a way I'd be able to make a comparable salary in that small town. I short sold the house, moved from Gulf Bluff, and tried my best not to look back.

I guess disbanding my hopes and dreams was a big thing, and yeah, it made me frightened about making the investment into my current abode. What if my job went to shit again? What if the economy bottoms out again and I find myself upside down (that is, I owe a lot more than what the house is worth)? What if-- what if--? I learned through my mentor that many people go throiugh these types of trials (and errors), even those who had much better support, those who were financial geniuses, and those on the opposite end of that spectrum.

It was hard to bond with my house because of the fear. I have to admit that after coming back from my European trip and talking to Copperas about my life, I came back with somewhat different eyes (I still laugh after telling him about things and told him about Marley, and he exclaimed, "you have a dog!?"). I walked the dog in my neighborhood, and the trees and landscape looked different to me, better! I thought if I were in his shoes and I visited, I'd say it was a pretty nice place to be. Maybe it took that to help me be more thankful, and less afraid.

I also can feel joy about my ability to find help when I needed it. Someone helped me paint for a very good price, and now I will activate them to help me put up storm protection on my windows. I will be getting frames so I can slip steel panels over the windows. It's better than having to board up the windows every time and cause damage to the building since a frame will be there for the panels to be mounted and held in place by bolts and wingnuts.

I'd love to get accordion shutters then it will take less than a minute to close them, but it would be a lot more. I'd love to get storm impact windows (woooo hoooo!!), but I can almost put another down payment on another condo for that shit. But hey, let's visualize impact windows (hahahahh). One never knows!!!

I had the thought to write my sis Big Momma a message, and she just so happened to send me a message soon after. We exchanged texts briefly about where our mom wants to retire (she's so damn confused because her plans depend on the plans of others). I then IMed her this morning to tell her about the Texas trip and how I was doing. I told her our aunts and uncles are aging. Although they are facing financial and physical realities related to aging, well, they still do what they've been doing in terms of their lifestyles (and hey, Mom told me that herself). I also told BM that I think I witness karma. Karma to me isn't you get what you deserve. It's more subtle, it's we get what we put it. I just felt like passing it along to her.

I need to sign off. There's so much more I could write (thank you, caffeine, my steadfast friend!), but I need to get ready to go out and play. The presence of certain people always stimulated me, and in this case... maybe it is a case of indulging my hyper, energetic inner child (yeah, I was a bit of a child terror until I discovered art, reading, bikes, and a Fisher Price portable desk, bet ya didn't know that)... Time to go!!

downwind | upstream