Cafe Hitch-hike


Another break

I dreamed I was visiting my sis Princ last night.

We still haven't talked since I left her place on Christmas Day. First, my anxiety was off the charts and I felt so exhausted while I visited. For some reason, we just didn't connect at all while I was there. Shortly after I got there, we stood in her kitchen and I served myself something to drink. She shortly got on her phone and played her romance video game and barely looked at me or responded back. That was how she treated me for most of the time I was there, and I had no idea what the deal was. I also couldn't connect with her in-laws to save my life. Something was just so off about that visit, and I had no idea what it was.

I kind of didn't want to go, but I felt like I had to because it would had otherwise been 2 years since my last visit. I wanted to put in some effort to keep things going, but something was off so badly and it scared me. I didn't know what it was. On Christmas Day, I took a nap, and excused myself to leave while she was taking a nap (I understand she sleeps a lot). When Princ asked me why I wanted to leave, I told her what I just said here. She said she had no idea what I was talking about (and her body language didn't convince me one bit). I added that I also felt like we had been growing apart for a while, and she shrugged and said she was sorry I felt that way. (Gawd, I love when people shove those things back on me). Oh, but she offered to carry my bag out to my car while I left.

I ended up going back to Austin without telling anyone. I just wanted to be alone to wrap my head over what the fuck had just happened. I crashed in a motel in Giddings. The owner recognized my driver's license and lived in my area; he was cool and gave me a discount. Oddly enough, I watched a Harry Potter movie with the pup in my redecorated room, grabbed a sandwich from the Buccee's down the street, and had a beer. I ended the night with a spliff I brought with me, and took a hot bath with the lavender oil bath salts a friend gave me as a gift with the music of Tommy Guerrero.

I was very shaken by what had happened at my sister's, yet at the same time, a part of me felt much more free and more like myself. I hiked in Bastrop State Park the next day with the pup, and enjoyed lunch at The Gas Station, where some of Texas Chainsaw Massacre was filmed. Also, I spent the additional night in Austin in what may had been a historic gathering with my aunts and uncles. Oh, I felt so much more love once I got away from my sister's, so much more! If I didn't have the scrape with my sister, I wouldn't had experienced MYSELF and PEOPLE WHO DEEPLY LOVED ME again.

So I dreamed I had seen her again. I arrived at her house and it felt like one of our better times. I served myself a drink out of her refrigerator after being on the road and returned to where she was standing, but she moved to another corner of the house. When I saw her in a far-off room, she was playing on her phone again.

Princ and I have had our ups and downs over the years, and had periods of time when we didn't speak to each other. One time, a relative mediated our return and another time, it was because she was contemplating getting a divorce. Although she had been my confidant, there were times in the past when I was struggling and I got criticism over what I needed to do. There were times she acted very mean and selfishly, too, and she apologized at times but other times she didn't. I also know she has had wicked troubles with her depression, but she refuses help and doesn't adhere to a treatment plan; she wishes she could just take a pill and it goes away. It was also getting exhausting taking her SOS calls at odd hours of the night, and a trust friend told me it was time to draw a line. It's odd, but most of my friends take her the same way they took the prof. I once dated: they had little regard for her.

It hurts because my female friendships have been very strained these past 3 years. However, when I look at the ones that suffered, they were very conditional relationships with a stark power imbalance which I accepted. I guess once I bucked or demanded better treatment, some people got angry, shocked and surprised, and preferred to ditch me rather than think of a way to work things out. In a way, it just showed how much the friendship meant to them after all.

It hurts me more because she was my main confidant and we had been through a lot together. I do know that we have been growing more distant these past few years, and for some reason, we've had disconnects. I really wish I could find out why this is happened, I really want to do what I can to fix things, but if the other side doesn't want to, there's only so much I can do. I had said to her this past November that if she didn't express her feelings to others, no one would know what she was thinking or how to respond to her; she was concerned that her daughter did this, and I (tried to) tactfully point out that I felt she did his herself and didn't have to.

Her great-aunt Sarah died last week, and I sent my condolences. She and her husband were concerned about the quality of care she was getting from some relatives and were considering taking her in. Yes, I sent condolences and said I hoped she was doing all right. Princ didn't read my message, but at least I tried.

My concern is that since the distance has been real and not much has been exchanged between us for a while, I don't know how things actually are for her health (she has advanced heart failure). My worry is that she will die before she chooses to connect, better yet speak to me again.

And it stresses me out because it just reminds me of the lack of connection between me and my father's family. It reminds me of the times when people decided, for whatever reason, they didn't want me in their life anymore and never told me why.

Sometimes family relationships can go the same way as friendships. All of my friends have estrangements from family for reasons ranging from extreme reasons (abuse) to-- petty! People grow apart, go different directions, outgrow each other, or just don't have anything in common anymore. Sometimes people get uncomfortable with how others feel or bring, or maybe don't see value in the friendship anymore, and decide to make distance or a break. And yes, people end things because of power dynamics, mistreatment, and abuse which are all very real things. These things happen friendships and relationships, and damn...if I can't accept that these, too, can happen in families and between people who used to be close, it's something I need to work towards accepting.

downwind | upstream