Cafe Hitch-hike


That's not a bad place to be

This week had a lot of birthdays: Remy (4th), Uncle Joe (9th), and my niece Arielle (13th). They are deceased. I didn't know why I felt so fatigued on Sunday night, and when Monday rolled around, it all came out when I talked to Rafael... It was the very real effect of remembered birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and other significant dates regarding those who passed on. Yeah, Rafa also had the (passing) anniversary of his mother a couple Sundays past.

Even though Remy and Joe have been gone for a while, I think of the same memories but with a different lens each time. That must be the lens of time and experience; we see things differently as time extends its reach between the last interaction (or their death) and the present.

Arielle would had turned 19. The kid who is the main suspect in her death turned 19 soon before she died. Now I am just about shocked when I think that one kid killed another kid, and someone who was his friend, at that!

Of course, I cried. I didn't know it would come out like that, or that it would feel that way. This is another instance of where something barely registered on my radar, or I just chucked noticing it to the back of my mind, far enough to where I don't see it. Although I swept it to the side, it didn't stop me from noticing and getting a reaction. Whether I didn't notice or if I swept it, it all would had come out the same.

I am a bit more sensitive to all of this. Jan, my sassy 85-year old neighbor, went to her native New Jersey to visit daughter around the same time my niece died. She has been there since then because she fell and broke her shoulder, and is in a rehab facility. I noticed her car hadn't moved in a while, and I wondered if she died. I combed through the obituaries and hoped she didn't! It actually concerned me! Her also-sassy daughter Halle and her biker husband were in Jan's place for a few days. I finally met Halle outside who was getting repairs done to her mother's unit, and she updated me. My look of relief must had said it all because Halle seemed moved at my reaction.

It's hard for me to read about violent stories in the news, especially murder or where families lose their young women or teenagers. I really wonder about their families. Their? Although I say 'their,' referring to people who lost family members to violent crime, I should say 'our' we're one of them, too. I wonder if the social scientists determined how many people were affected when a loved one dies of a violent crime. They say violent crime has been doing down, but there's still a lot of people affected. I'm even more concerned because I was told that the state's victim's rights funds are regularly drained because so many people need them. I'll spare my opinion on that, but certain things hit certain groups a whole lot harder.

Yeah, I told you I was sensitive.

Presently, my kid sister Rosepetal's usual drama got from loud to WTFWTFWTF?!?! She is hung up on a complete psycho, and our women are begging her to think about her safety first. If what she claims is true, it's frightening! At least with our sis Lana, her actions only affect herself (and whoever she might be with) and she usually knows when to get the fuck away from something, but Rp has kids AND things have been escalating. Someone in our family even went so far as to tell her we couldn't survive losing another family member... I just want to tell Rosepetal: 'wake the fuck up already! What we hear in the news about violence against women happened to this family! It is real and it can happen again!'

Yeah, it's that bad and it happens too regularly in that world.

Meanwhile, I was surprised that I got that new position glow. I swore the building peeled off the possibility of that happening within its walls. I'm glad for that, I'm grateful that my colleagues are rooting me on. I think our department is happier, too, although it's badly short-staffed and will probably be that way for at least a year and a half.

I also had a job interview. I won't say much about it, but... it was beautiful to feel love in a worksite. As I drove there and back, I thought of Uncle Joe and what he would had said if I told him I was on an interview. He'd say go on, girl!... go on wid'yo bad self!... go for that dream!!! He'd high-five me (just like he did to his oncologist, Dr. Rafael Antonio). I even thought of that song, Broken Wings, both the good and the melancholy parts of the lyrics. He passed some things onto me so I could live and keep going. Joe implored me to take what he had and what he couldn't do, and go further with them.

Even if I don't get the job, I think going to the interview gave me such important reminders and perhaps messages.

My mentor beseeches me to quit my building so I could go find a place where job-love can be found. You know, you enjoy a place and what you do, possess enough belief in it and your fit there, get along ok with the people, and whoa... get a decent paycheck and are not forced to sell weed or drive Uber on the side. Well... I must be smoking some seriously good stuff to imagine that nowadays!

So yeah, I was reassigned. Although it was a little scattered, Lily left a lot of information behind. She was pretty good at getting this set up, but she couldn't wait to jump away from the building and out of the position. A variety of things that made her jump, both of which what did and didn't have to do with the job. I guess we got into the position for the same reason: we were getting fried in our positions and were good at talking to people outside the building (some of my colleagues actually cannot do this), so that made us good candidates for this reassignment. I kind of laugh if that's the same outcome for me (but she got a promotion in her jump, heh heh).

I was getting fried. This last position was a tenuous relationship. It finally occurred to me that people leave places for less reasons, and I had a lot of crap to put up with. I was so glad I got this reassignment! I will keep working with the same people I've been working with, but under much different terms. I am jolly-good grateful for that, and also very glad that the new reporting lines loan me a slight bit more authority.

Crap? I don't have to take as much crap because the reporting lines are different? I thought about my interactions with 2 colleagues who lashed out when they disagreed with something and wanted their way: they stalled on projects, debated (one said a proposed project would had violated her rights), turned red, threw huffy silences, used sarcasm (I think one of them insulted my family and upbringing, then later said something ridiculous about my heritage), and yes, cried. I'm surprised one of them didn't file a union complaint against me; I actually joined because I was afraid that might happen. Now that I put it all together, damn! I see where my resentment towards them came from! I suppose not having our supervisors do anything added to that resentment.

Yeah, I have resentment, but the truth also came out. Their bad behavior outed multiple instances of subpar work, manipulation, and unprofessionalism. Their crap burned me, but I think it burned them deeper in terms of their reputations (as if those matter much in the building).

Heavy entry, I know. Lot of people I know are managing some very heavy and serious matters, mostly things that happen just because of life. I know I'm not the only person bumping against them, but at the same time, I know my load isn't nearly has big as those of others. This is what is happening in my life. I'm glad I've got my people on my side, especially after my main ones really haven't been available (the same reasons as 'lots of people' referred to a few phrases back). I feel like I'm walking rather than crawling, and that's not a bad place to be right now.

It actually makes me rather happy to be standing.

downwind | upstream