Cafe Hitch-hike


Zooming through

I was pretty tired after finishing the first month of my new position. I then noticed that I lost track of time at work, and that I was stuck in 4th or 5th gear. My mentor asked me how I felt when I'm in this state, and although I don't necessarily disassociate, the velocity numbs me nicely except it is so exhausting. I also am not the easiest person to interact with when someone has a question or asks me something when I'm doing 80.

I've operated like that in different areas of my life, and for quite some time. It had been quite functional. If I didn't move that way, I wouldn't had gotten myself through college or other challenges through life. Zoom my way through, go Ninja as one person called it. I always justified it as getting the job done, doing my best, doing what I was told, or giving it my best shot. I even misused my meds I was taking at different times because I noticed I could work like a banshee when I combined it with caffeine.

But I had to. I had to haul ass to get through. There was no other way. Well, now I'm getting older and I simply can't work that way anymore. I don't have all that energy at my disposal. And, I realize what a toll it's taken on my emotional life. I use it because sometimes I feel insecure about my work and how others view me, but I also do it because I don't have to face up to whatever I'm feeling. Sometimes I activate some fear or insecurity when I do the task, so I haul ass to outrun it, or try to squash it.

When I do that, I often forget myself.

How do I feel? That will depend on hormones (gosh, my period decided to come this month, which is now averaging very 2 months), energy level, and if one of my cracked lenses of perception decides to be activated. It will also depend on whether the volume of my emotions is low or rock concert-high. It's nice when it's low, but it takes a lot of energy to manage when it's at mosh-pit levels. It's no coincidence that I live in Florida because my emotions can really resemble its damn weather at times.

I guess I sometimes feel frustrated with what I feel is a lack of significant progress in therapy. I haven't been taking meds, but I gave up on those because they usually made me feel worse after a while. Maybe parts of me really are just plain broken, and that I just need to accept that I function a certain way. God knows I've really tried a lot to explore it, put it in perspective, soothe it, guide it-- something. Maybe the anxious, emotionally hot/ repressive, slightly dysphoric parts of me are meant to dwell with the clever, articulate, charming, and hardworking parts of me. The former attributes are probably as much a part of me as the latter, so what is the point in me trying to minimize or fix those parts of me? Maybe they were never meant to be fixed in the first place, but treated like a systemic glitch in me like all systems have (hahahah).

I guess I try to haul ass to get through the parts of myself that I don't like or wish I didn't have. Well hell, maybe it's just high time I just sit back, take it easy with the self-betterment crap, and simply allow myself to be. I've fixed plenty, everything from my teeth to my body and then my psyche, maybe it's time just to lay down the tools and allow myself to simply be.

Does that mean I'd have to stop hauling ass through a lot of things? Damn, that will feel quite foreign to me, but if it means I have more of my energy back and I can connect with others better, I'll take it.

downwind | upstream