Cafe Hitch-hike

2020-05-10

Venus Retrograde

In the astrology world, Venus will be retrograde very soon, meaning various matters of romance, creativity, fun, money, and material things will be revisited. I wouldn't say things always take turns for the worse. It's like taking inventory or a review.

The last time this happened was in 2012, which was quite the turning point on many levels. I was regaining my reputation at work (throwing some cool gatherings with an in-sync team really helped that). I also had some cool professional successes because some of my projects were bearing fruit.

My maternal grandfather died at age 89, which was the first death for that side of the family. I became a bit of a silent adviser on some issues related to his care because the person who was taking care of him was making some very bad decisions, bordering on elder abuse. Thanks to a friend who's a geriatric nurse, she advised me and I passed along the information. As a result, Grandpa's wife and a couple of others in the family were able to call a stop to certain things and he was able to go in peace.

The not-so-lovely Prof. Felipe was hovering about and provided sympathy sex and companionship for-- the duration of the retrograde. All that imploded, and I crawled away from all of that which resulted in a relocation a year later just so I could get a change.

Another interesting Venus retrograde experience: I got my first (and only) tattoo. I literally woke up and was moved to do it. I got a symbol I always admired in the American Indian culture, and a very similar symbol also appeared in caves inhabited Taino Indians in the Caribbean. For the American Indians, it was the sign of a traveler, musician, lover, and storyteller (it is Kokopelli). In the Taino culture, it was the sign of the bohique, or shamans who were said to had foresaw the arrival of Columbus. Females could also become a tribe's bohique. It was May 5, a date that had other personal and cultural significance. Anyhow, I got this tattoo, and later that day, my grandfather had the massive stroke later that took him a week later.

I literally woke up and was moved to do it, and Grandpa soon left this life. It suppose the tattoo was a reminder to embody what it symbolizes for the time I have left in mine. Maybe? This thought hasn't left me.

Venus retrograde... I think about what's in my own heart. How many times did I compromise myself to get love? What are thoughts or beliefs of mine distorted what it really was, or warped my perception of it? I know there's some things I wouldn't do again, and that's all a part of experience and learning, but I know that deep inside, there's a core that's not going to change much.

I think about what I built in myself so I could be stronger in life, and I sometimes wonder what those things did to block love or its reception. I can see the ways I lost my connection with what was in my heart and how easily it seems to be done... Then, once in a while when I talk about these things to the people closest to me in confidence, they tell me: you have done intense inner work... I don't have the patience that you have to be able to do that... but please don't be so hard on yourself because no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.

Finally, as much as what I can do for myself, others have their own struggles and issues inside. I'm not the only one. There were some relationships where I could had tried harder, and there were definitely some where it wouldn't had mattered at all. Why? I don't have all the power, I cannot control what others say, do, or think. Everyone has their own motivations, and gosh, those often exist independent of me. People will do what they want, need, and capable of doing. They have choices of their own, and it's all a matter of whether or not their choice can align with mine.

There's so much I wished I learned earlier about love because I felt like I wandered an awful long time without a clue, and a motivation to just clutch onto something that would take me so I could belong. Yeah, I know I was very needy when I was younger and now I know that what I wanted were things I needed to possess within myself. I always thought the answer was to change myself the best I could to erase my flaws, mistakes, and broken pieces, and to hide to those away as far as I could. Then, I discovered it was my deal to accept, love, soothe, and be compassionate to these things because they are parts (and not entirely) what makes me. Of course, not everyone would accept those. The key was to be with those who can.

We had words last night, Rafa and I. The status of that is largely unknown, although I see the possibilities. I've known couples who really had to fight for their relationships, and I don't know what's in us or how much we really want to (or can). Isn't it something how things are timed?

Then, I had a dream I was in a classroom again, teaching. I was getting closer to finishing my internship in a middle school classroom. I had no idea why the hell I was there, and all of that was aborted in 1999. However, I just got done teaching a class that went well, and I talked to my collaborating teacher. She was professional yet supportive, and I sensed no friction between us. If anything, she smiled and said, 'we're almost done with this semester.' It was dusk when I left the school. I felt a little tired and surprised I was back there, but couldn't help but notice it seemed I was going to finish it. I was going to be successful, and all was going well. I felt a quiet sense of satisfaction.

downwind | upstream