Cafe Hitch-hike

2020-06-15

Just keeping our wits

I hadn't been doing much spiritual or healing practice much since the pandemic began. The only time I journal is here. My mentor and I were about to work on some blocks that I was encountering and their cast-iron resistance was just distressing to me. We took a little break because I started my new position and then the plague came soon after. Now, we feel we may be able to start addressing those.

I haven't had much to say to the universal spirit. The world and the shape it is in is our own doing, not the spirit's. I suppose all the awful things we've done to each other and to our planet is because somewhere along the way, we lost our connection and try to get it back in artificial ways. Well, that's how many look at it. I pray and wonder if it's like contributing one drop of water into an ocean.

One thing I do know, for sure, is fixing what has been broken in our world is going to be a long and slow process. A fellow DLander or 2 wrote about having very little faith in humans right about now, and I completely relate. Chances are, no one will want to put in any efforts if an app isn't available for it, its directions aren't bulleted and in word bites (but that's the thing, there are no directions and if others came up, they'll be hotly disputed), and God forbid, it requires more emotional labor than a tweet or post.

I'd say that in this time, I have to reconfigure or release a lot of expectations. I'm no longer a breeder (and the chances of that are very low and high-risk if it does happen), so I don't have to think about a creating a family-type unit rearing kids when I think of relationships. There's that, and other considerations that don't apply much to me because I'm no longer in my 20s or even 30s. When I turned 40 years old, people hardly ever asked me why I wasn't married and I didn't feel much pressure afterward. I have to admit that it was very, VERY freeing. I can now tell myself: congratulations, you are free from a lot of bullshit that used to define or influence relationships when you were younger.

Welcome to middle age! Now that I look back on my 20s, everyone was equally clueless as I felt. It's just that others took a lot more chances in some choices while I took bigger changes in others. We are now at a point where we see the effects or consequences of these choices, and now I'm looking at those for mine.

I feel better that we don't have stay-home orders and can go out and about. That takes a considerable edge off things. Although I kept a schedule and typically stayed with it during the orders, internally, I was constantly fighting a sense of frustration and-- anger? Sadness? Restlessness? All of that and some I haven't yet identified? Of course I couldn't concentrate like I normally could, a lot of uncertainty and fear floated around, and those just escalated in the world as the weeks and days gone by.

I have one day of the week where I don't feel like doing shit. I do an hour or 2 of work, and then just fuck around because I can't concentrate or want to nap. I also have one day of the week where I weep ('weep,' to be taken from the British use of the word which I think I fully understand). Rafael gets to see it sometimes. About 2 weeks ago, another friend got to see it when we met for a socially distanced coffee, and when they texted me out of the blue to meet because they had a serious case of cabin fever.

Hell, I've been remarkably productive in terms of work and house stuff, so at least I can congratulate myself on that. In terms of exercise, I re-sold the climbing machine I bought from a co-worker very soon before we had to stay home. I loved the workout, but it hurt the hell out of my joints and bones! Now it's gone, my second room looks sooooo comfy. The room looks more cheerful after Rafa and I rearranged the furniture, and it has a beautiful few of a palm tree and the pond.

So, I guess I can't blame myself for slowing down on my wellness, although I probably have the kind that needs constant maintenance anyhow (bahahahh). The name of the game is just keeping our wits.

downwind | upstream