Cafe Hitch-hike

2020-06-24

Relationships and other sports

Day 3 of my staycation. I've eased into the art of doing... nothing! I did this after my return from the winter holidays in Texas, and it was a necessary thing considering all the movement I had done in the previous 18 months. Now, the staycation is to relax from the previous 6. I was surprised that my body did not revolt from slower times (in the form of naps, readings, and having no plans). I also was surprised by the significantly lower levels of mental chatter in my head; I guess with the type of work I do, thinking and processing is a necessity, but now it's on a much slower speed.

As I worked from home, I just tried my best to keep a routine and stay healthy. I didn't do badly, but it took a lot of energy to keep with it while functioning with so much uncertainty around. My head, well, it's my head and there's nothing out of its usual line of functioning. Everyone is rattled by what's going on.

At least I can say I'm not having the physical effects I had last summer, but maybe that was called exhaustion. I usually have a good amount of energy.

All this wellness didn't keep me from ripping my mom's head off when we talked this afternoon. I apologized, but it's wonderful when people call to see how I'm doing and do nothing but talk about themselves like she did (it's common for her to do that, and I can remind her I wanted to be heard to, but no, I become a whiny bitch about it like I did in this instance). I apologized for some of what I said, but not with just plain trying to be heard. I may be independent and this and that, but what the fuck, I have a voice and I want to be heard just as she does. I feel like every so often, I have to remind my family I'm not some self-contained robot here in outer space.

Rafa and I still haven't had much follow-up to a talk we had almost a month and a half ago about relationship matters. We had some, but it sputtered until it stalled. I've heard some people talk about these things. Couples are being driven to therapy where the therapist sides with one person and demonizes the other. I've heard another where one side wants to bring up issues (without therapists) and they're the only one that tries status checks (and usually are the ones that keep the relationship going, and the partner looks at them cluelessly, or in my case in past relationships, accuse the other of causing drama). The pandemic's definitely put big stresses on relationships, even good ones, but sometimes the dance loses its energy, one person does all of the dancing, or someone has to follow the complete lead of the other or there is no dance.

Maybe it's getting time for us to finally admit to where we are with this, and to thank each other for giving it another shot. I hope we can stay friends, I'd love to be, but otherwise, we already are mostly friends.

I once said to someone if it weren't for relationships, we'd be awfully bored. True.

downwind | upstream