Cafe Hitch-hike

2020-07-09

Stepping razor

Someone once said to me that I've entered life with a 2-edged sword, and I agree. For all near-monstrosities I've seen, at least I've had tools to deal with them and not be completely exposed. Some of what's helped emerged from within me, and some fell into my lap.

Hell, soon after I wrote this, I got an e-mail from someone who recently departed my employer with more interesting news.

I've had to keep secrets since I was very young. Some were because I found out about things, and it was not through me dipping my nose into things the vast majority of time. At one point, I said to myself that I don't want anymore new ones. Why? Because I don't want to use more energy to handle or transform new ones.

People have confided things in me, and that is different. I can willingly allow people to release theirs so they can heal and be free. That, too, is a different condition of acquisition. (S)he's not heavy, (s)he's my (sister) brother. That's how I look at those types, but not the kind that come from those who habitually did horrible things to other people or themselves without trying to change it. Those are the kind I don't want to acquire.

I've released those types multiple times over the years. Sometimes they fade and I've actually managed to consciously forget. There's been other times where I've had to release them over and over. Sometimes they didn't come back, or they faded, or was like a tumor that shrunk. I hope the latter (tumor) disappears, rather than remain a speck that could become aggressively cancerous at the flick of a switch (hah).
Those are the kind I want to strip out of my conscious, burn them, and bury the ashes deep.

I've had rituals where I gave people back their toxic secrets, and in my visualizations of giving them back, no one ever wanted them returned. I visualized leaving them in a box in an isolated place, telling the person who left it where it is and that I was no longer responsible for it, and then I walked away.

It just takes a lot of energy to work with all of this. It really dents and sometimes strips away at any sense of personal contentment.

Then, sometimes I embraced the secrets. They told me what was really-fucking-up. Yes, what was really fucking up. I couldn't fall under any illusions, by myself or others, over what was up. No one could tell me differently or persuade me, even when I smiled and nodded nicely like a good girl should. I knew the real boundaries of situations, and what I knew gave me a sense of who and what was really what.

In one case, one person whose business I knew actually had warm, almost paternal feelings towards me. You better believe I navigated verrrrry carefully around him although I don't think I expressed fear or disgust. I knew the strings he was pulling and his serious abuses of power, and this leads me to my next point. It's also exhausting to be in these types of situations and around vipers like that, especially when they actually like me.

I guess that's just life and what we must to do navigate it. I've talked about things like this in the past, and some people often asked why I didn't speak out. It was an issue of power: I didn't have it or the person had immense amounts. I've had to ride certain things out until their expiration date, usually when I was able to move on.

These pages are where is were I some of it spill. Sometimes I don't tell others in person, and sometimes I do, but there's plenty I also won't directly disclose. I don't want to be the person who brings in dark clouds.

This song by Peter Tosh perfectly captures how I feel about this, and also what so many are feeling about what's happening in this world right now. God knows I'd never, ever want to hurt anyone with this energy, but doing this requires a highly conscious and active decision; it's like trying to channels something heavy, volatile, and intense, like a spasm...

(Sadly, this song also captures some of what I know about my beloved Uncle Joe, who I'm sure was a man of many secrets-- of others and his own).