Cafe Hitch-hike


It's nice to have possibilities

I had a dream that I was sitting with The Koop, a workplace crush who attended my work orientation with me. He didn't look well, I didn't see his usual vitality in his blue eyes or wide smile. We spoke to each other, but I don't remember what was said. He looked at me straight in the face, with an expression in his eyes that said, 'I'm dying and will die soon.'

I woke up in a huff. I didn't want that dream to go on any longer. Of course, I'd never wish that on The Koop, never mind my fanciful feelings about him. I felt both frightened and upset at that possibility.

If I stop looking at it literally, I'd say The Koop represents a part of my job. Perhaps it's a part of my job that I see in him: fun, comfortably flirty, warm, on the lighthearted side. Things that usually aren't part of a job like mine (haaaaah). Something in my job is definitely dying, if not fading away.

I've been wondering about what else I could do besides what I've been doing. The weirdest idea came to my head (law school, something I considered when I was a wee bit younger). I'd love to do it in this region. I definitely have more confidence in myself than when I considered it. I could probably use my talents in a much better way than what I've been doing, which can be hit or miss. Hell, maybe I can use my talents to actually help people instead of bore the hell out of them or be seen as tedious.

Just a thought. It's another thing to consider. I actually feel better about that possibility than getting a doctorate. I actually feel like I have more of a fighting chance to do more and not get the typical BIPOC or female treatment in my field. What does 'treatment' look like? Being underutilized, undervalued, overlooked yet scrutinized, and having to work twice as hard to get the same level of regard our peers get. That is why many of us leave and move on to non-profit, organizational or government work (just like a few of my compadres ended up doing). I can't say I know many that make the jump into corporate unless they had a business background.

I know my profession's going to get some major shakes to its trees; the deadwood and those with the loosest or weakest grips are gonna fall, and hell, some trees will get uprooted and blown away. I'm not too old or too young, and maybe I can weather these. My super- feels I have potential, but I'm leaving my options open. Most of the time when I've been advised that I have a future place for me at a leadership table, others were picked before me (refer to BIPOC/ female reference). But still, it's nice to have possibilities, for sure.

downwind | upstream