Cafe Hitch-hike

2020-08-08

Weeding (and what grows in place)

This song reminds me of my trip last year because the setting really looks like a place where I hiked in England. I later found out the band, Jungle, is English. I wonder if it was the same place? And, this song is so soothing and warm to me... it reminds me of those 2 days with Copperas, the end of the trip, and after I came back to the States.

I ventured to Xanadu Mall which had all the typical upscale shops where I got some necessities. My beloved cheapy purse looked like it was chewed on by rabbits, so it was time for a new one. I got a really nice designer knockoff a few years ago, and I found myself in the section where I admired the real ones. Wow, as I looked at all the markdowns, I wondered how long retailers would be able to operate at this scale. I had a feeling I was doing something that either won't be around for long, or it won't be the same after a while. With that in mind, I bought a designer purse (wickedly marked down in price) and thought, 'here's one hurrah to something that's fading.' And, it was an early birthday present!

To seal the deal, I splurged a little more and got a mani- and pedicure. Now my hands and feet don't look like I've been working on a farm anymore.

Despite my purchases, I can't say I am or was keen on consumerism. That's what happens when most of my income went to living expenses for a majority of my life. While I was growing up, I never felt welcomed in the damn department stores and didn't get treated particularly great until I was older. I also have weird dimensions (everything above my waist is larger by a size than what's below it, and my legs are kind of long). I was always frustrated because I could not usually find my size. I hated shopping and didn't enjoy it until I was in my late 20s. By then, I found ways around my size frustration, and probably outgrew being mistaken for riffraff or like a shoplifter.

After I washed the new clothes and put them away, I was motivated to clean out the damn closets. I've worn the same few outfits for the last 5 months, and it made me consider what I didn't need, want, or fit in anymore. At first, it was no big deal, but after a while, I realized I was weeding. 'Weeding' in my field is just like gardening, you remove what is old, outdated, no longer used, damaged, or no value. It's removed to make room for something that is useful, or the space is used for something else.

I weeded my faux-administrator wardrobe from my former job just over 5 years ago. Most of those clothes no longer fit. Those are being transferred to a colleague who helps women with job searching and interviewing skills; they also provide suits to the women because they usually don't have them. I'm glad they will be put to use (at least to people who can squeeze into them), but, I felt a little sad. It meant I was letting the former job go for real this time.

I had a cool dress that didn't fit. Bye-bye. I still had a designer dress I found at a closeout: still fits, still elegant, check. I had the black floral dress I wore on a hot date almost 3 years ago (and I also wore it to the British Museum last year during a heatwave), and it still fits. I have a few nice dresses but never wear them. They feel weird to me, but admit they can flatter my appearance. I should probably consider them since they seem more kind to fluctuation in the waistline than pants (hahhah). I got to think about what dresses still work, and what doesn't.

Then, it leads to Rafael. I feel a bit sad because cleaning the closet was like stepping away from certain things that our relationship represented. I know I shouldn't be afraid; life always takes turns and leads to things we would not had anticipated. We also do change. I realized that being with him represented certain dreams I had in the past that I don't have any more. It wasn't him that made me drop them, but just plain changes in my own life and getting older...

I'm out of the breeder game unless I adopt. I think my hopes in relationships are a lot more realistic than they ever been. I'd like to think I understand better what brings people together and what keeps them that way (believe it or not, last year had a lot to do with understanding that). I'm satisfied with what I've been able to accomplish in my profession for the most part, and the kind of life it's allowed me to have so far. Life's thrown me some curve balls and beaned me, yet I usually was able to either walk it off, heal while on the disabled list (to take a term from baseball), or sat out and tried another game later. I'd like to think I know myself better and what I can bring to another person. So, the settings have been getting reconfigured for quite some time. It's more visible to me with-- something as trivial as a wardrobe and something with as much gravity as a relationship.

I loaned my sis Big Momma some money and she paid me back when she said she would. (Note, Big Momma is not the same sister as Princ, the one I don't hear from much anymore). I decided to use what she paid me to go towards a ticket for her to go to San Diego in December. What's that about? Her daughter is in the Navy and stationed there, and she is expecting a baby girl. Although she's happily married, I thought it would stink for Kekee (my niece) to be there without her mom or females before or after givnig birth. I also noticed how much BM glowed whenever she saw her grandkids, so I wanted to help. When I told BM, she was so surprised and happy. The next thing she said was, "you're coming too, right?"

At the bare minimum, I want my sis to go, but me? **Fingers crossed** Oh, I hope I can go! I would love to go! I'm leery of traveling during the plague. It will also be after the election, and assuming we're not under martial law during that time or people aren't dropping like flies, I'd love to go. But at the very least, my sis should meet her grandbaby.

downwind | upstream