Cafe Hitch-hike


At least she done been told

It had been an usually social week considering that we're in the thick of the plague. I chatted it up with someone I met at an outdoor show 2 weeks ago, and we finally got a chance to hang earlier in the week. I got the sense he was someone who liked smoking weed and chilling (and that was about it). I'm complicated, so I like my guys with a little complication as well (like being experienced and interactive with life, and having some openness). I dated guys whose main activities included drinking beer, watching sports, and going to the bar once in a while, and that didn't keep my interest. Well, if I want to go see shows with someone cool and maybe even be a wing woman, I'm down with that.

I went out with a younger man a few times last year around this time. He 's quite attractive and the age difference is new to me. I liked talking to him and his company, but the chemistry beyond that was lacking. Mark was his name, and he called to do happy hour the other night which I enjoyed very much. I thanked him for reaching back. I'm sure dating life has been a drought for him. He lives nearby and I'm sure convenience was a factor, but I appreciated his company very much.

And then Donnie followed his own advice not to talk about politics when he visits (heheheh). As a result, we've both enjoyed things so much more.

I guess I was feeling a little bored with the lack of interaction, so I was glad I had these bits come my way. I haven't been going to the building though I'm allowed to. I'll go to get certain things done, but otherwise work remotely. The boss said that was fine.

I was chatting with a younger cousin of mine. I'm one of the first born in my generation, and she was towards the end of it. It's been known that cousin Rain has had issues, and having a father like the alcoholic, violent Uncle Elias probably brought that on. She expressed a lot of anger towards what happened when she was a kid and tossed a lot of blame towards people. She also mentioned frustration and it just sounded like she felt stuck in blame, anger, and trusting no one.

My cousins and siblings say very little about their problems and our upbringings, so it was unusual for her to bring it up the way she did. We all live with the aftermath of what happened at home. I think some of us did the best we could while some perpetuated what happened. Some just dwelled the best they could with what little remained of our family. What made me feel so concerned was her sense of being stuck and that it was hopeless.

Well, I didn't want to be the know-it-all, but tried so share what I knew for myself. I told her no one deserved the hand we were dealt. We all went through something seriously jacked up. (I don't even want to imagine what went on in hers because I later learned Uncle Elias did in fact harm people close to me). It wasn't fair, and in a cruel twist of fate, we are the ones left to clean it up, but what are the alternatives? Keep doing the same shit, blame, and stay stuck, or fight to take our life and sanity back? There are things we can do to help ourselves but they take work, but it's an investment in ourselves. I told her I feel less broken than I did 10 and 20 years ago because it's true.

I know Rain has an iron will and she probably didn't consider my words. She may very well stay angry and spiteful. But, no one every told me these things in my own struggle. In a tough love kind of way, I've been told that I was ultimately responsible for myself and my own happiness, but what those talks always left out was the work can pay off and that I could start to feel a sense of wholeness and feel less broken. Tough love talks usually left out the need to fight back, or at least take stand to take something back. I suggested she find a therapist who could work with complex trauma and that even searching for that would pay off (I've had some who had no clue and wanted to stick with a meds and CBT model). At least as the southern folk say, she done been told.

It just reminds me of the various ways we were affected. I'm still in touch with friends of the family, people I grew up with because our parents were friends. Birds of a feather flock together, and I very recently realized the stuff in their homes was just as jacked up as mine. The Haras-Blount Family was close to mine and so was the Krzysztofskis, Aunt Roxie's family. We all lived with the fallout of our family insanity in a variety of ways. Our lives are eerily similar, and that's what scares me about being around them. I'm sometimes afraid it will infect mine if I stay around for too long. In a way, it gives me insight on why I tend to be a loner... God knows I don't want to infect anyone or perpetuate what happened back there.

I also suppose that it hurts to hear younger people give up like that because they are ultimately what gives us older people hope. It makes me feel better to hear about those who go beyond what I got to see and do, or to know they are thriving. I guess it feeds our belief that the next generation carries new life and possibilities, and it makes us affirm life rather than turn us cynical or calloused. Maybe that's something I can tell Rain next time.

downwind | upstream