Cafe Hitch-hike


A phoenix from the flames

I already know better than to try to sleep. I am tired, but my brain isn't, so I thought I'd peck away as I've been doing all evening.

I thought I was going to have company tonight, but that didn't materialize. It turned out to be all right. I knocked down one mundane task that needed to be done, then another, and another, and-- I finished the evening with sweeping the spare room and removing a trash bag full of stuff. A former colleague is coming by tomorrow to print some things, so she's my motivation to clean my spare room although it's been on my list to do all week.

In-between the beginning and end, I cleared out a lot of stuff I've been putting off. I made my final decision about what papers I needed to keep from Uncle Joe's end-of-life matters, and I didn't need to keep all of it. A lot of people have a part of Joe, so I only kept what's unique, like his identifications and important papers. I kept a couple of other things that would be very helpful for others to know, but that was it. I never had legal obligations to his other matters; I really did what I did to so one would use his identity for fraud, but I otherwise won't need to keep anything I don't want. I'm thanking my records management class for having the scruples for that!

I also dismantled the partially dismantled ofrenda (altar) of the people who passed since 2016. It had pictures of all close to me who passed since then. I had it up in the Cannabis Condo (my previous place) and had it up for a while when I moved into the new place, but I can't remember when I put it in my office and out of plain sight. I removed the pictures and put them back into the photo albums. I put the memorial patch that was made for Remy with my other travel patches; I plan to frame those some day.

Maybe this was another part of laying them to rest.

It felt so weird seeing the distance between fall 2018 (when my uncle died) and now. Life really has gone on, though his passing still isn't that far away. It felt like I reached a new step. My family's life is gradually settling in to feeling where our new version of 'normal' will be heading. The loss doesn't feel so close, and we are trying and living without him. Of course, we love him and miss him, yet it feels soothing to feel much less of that hurt most of the time.

This big clean was something also inspired by a discussion in my coven; it came up to make the most out of this Dark Moon by clearing out our spaces. It actually wasn't a bad idea for clearing out cutter; the same can be said for it being a way to process and let go, inside and out. I got rid of 2 bags, and started to feel a little differently about some things. I actually am pretty good about keeping my spaces clear, but the office has always been a challenge.

At the same time, my house is starting to come into its own. It's been seriously lived in since the pandemic. Just before that, it was gradually getting into a rhythm after the interior paint job and a series of many cleans in the spare room (kinda like the one I described tonight). I quietly feel proud. It's finally-- mine.

And what is probably an insecure part of me recalls this happened in the last 3 or 4 months I lived in Detroit. I was settled in, but I knew it was time to go. I'm feeling that same feeling.

Well what the hell... It was usually because I got an opportunity, and the next person who moved into my units were usually very pleased with what they got. I leave behind a nice energy. What would be wrong with that happening again, right?

Cleaning, clearing. It's something I've done over and over again. It makes me feel like I've lived many lives. I used to be one way, and then I:

...but I kept coming back and usually another way, like a new version (hah, or refurbished). I changed course and the road turned out ok most of the time. But doing all of this takes a lot of energy.

I just need to let this work its course and trust (and no, not lose my will or be passive). Then, we will see where this flows. It's probably extra important that I'm good to myself and be receptive to nourishing, replenishing energy (actually, this advice may apply for everyone right about now).

Anyhow... at least I can say I'm not feeling the inertia that I felt 4 years ago, so hah!!

downwind | upstream