Cafe Hitch-hike

2020-12-14

Happy Monday

Little Mishie/ TweedleDum died a couple of days ago to breast cancer at the age of 42. She leaves behind a daughter and a mother. The building was shocked to get this information. My former unit and I were the first to hear about it and were asked to keep it quiet until a building wide announcement was made.

I felt genuinely sad, and sat with the conflicting feelings I felt about her. It just reminds me, once again, of how perfectly imperfect we are along with our interactions with others. I still can't pinpoint anything I did that warranted the intense hostility she expressed towards me (and got others to join) while I worked with her. As Carlos Santana once said about the criticism he got, he said he recognized those critics also as his teachers. With that in mind, what the fuck did this whiny, passive aggressive bitch intended to teach me? How to forgive and nip hatred in the bud with my glowing heart of love? How to send healing energy to her pathetically wounded self? How to see that fighting fire with more fire results in perpetual warfare? How to maintain my composure and not lose my temper in front of her and our colleagues so I won't come across as another angry BIPOC woman in our field?

Fuck that little bitch for antagonizing me, but at least she's free of all the pain she experienced throughout her life. Sorry, but not sorry.

I was asked a question by my supervisor about a couple of topics I worked in the the past. Topic #1 used to be a big part of my formal role. I was so glad to see my understanding of it fade and that I didn't know its current state of affairs. I passed along what I could, but I finished it feeling the sense of futility towards the topic, if not tiredness. I had no taste or enthusiasm towards it. I felt very apathetic, and hoped like hell that she wouldn't ask me to be involved in anything further. I then realized that I was burned out. My successor in my former role can take it over. They wanted my damn job in the first place. If my successor feels their damn knowledge or experience isn't up to par for it, what the fuck? I guess they better get up to speed and figure it out just like I had to.

I was then asked about Topic #2. I had a sense of enthusiasm and understood it better than I thought although I didn't think about it much. I took a class in it at the tail end of grad school, and absolutely loved it and the professor. I was able to confidently answer my supervisor's question, and I then was asked to pass this along to others in the building.

I may be seeing a better view of the direction I want to take with my career if I am able to stay in my field. The pandemic has dulled some of my senses, but I recognized that some of my sensibilities towards my career were already there or burned out. No, really, I think most people's would had been with what I had seen.
A lot of people have left my field, even before the pandemic.

My new position came right on time, and I'm glad it came.

I got another pingback from ol' Timmy again. He just so happened to call my office when I was in it (he said he had no idea I was there, and I believed him). It's hard to consider what we've had as a friendship or relationship; it was more like a series of interactions.

I think what bothers me is we know each other well and yet there had always been a sparseness between us, and things were very one-sided. Tim doesn't take phone calls or texts from me, no fucking way. This literally extends to other things I've expressed to him, and it's like he has a blind spot, this space in his head that doesn't seem capable of understanding or being receptive to certain things I convey. There's attunement (that's how we've gotten to know each other in the first place), but it then cuts off without prediction or reason. I don't understand where this vacuous part enters. Maybe I'm bothered because we had possibility or potential, but it lacked something to take it anywhere.

I laughed when I remembered one of last year's psychedelic trips because Timmy was in one of my visions. We were teenagers sitting on a couch. He was being goofy as usual, and the vision repeated itself in a loop. Oh, that made perfect sense to me after seeing this a dozen times. Our relationship was one big, repetitive loop alright (although aya is known to do that with thoughts). It literally was stuck in a state of adolescence on multiple levels. I told the vision to stop, and it did. I was probably bothered because even though it's been 9 months since we last spoke, things are still on a loop.

If I can't list enough things for this happy Monday, I'm on a liquid diet today, then scarf down Cleniq followed by water. I won a (not free) trip to a colonscopy which happens tomorrow. I'm not concerned, it's just par for the course for middle aged women stuff like all the rest of what I wrote today.

downwind | upstream