Cafe Hitch-hike


Possibilities? Oh, my, I like those!

She jumped, finally, to see if she could fly...

Oh, my. I can't believe I finally pulled the trigger on what could eventually become a wee bit of a change.

I've smeared these pages with merde about various parts of my life. That's what we do here: vent, process, release, and hopefully have a better understanding or perspective of what's dogging us. Maybe we can feel better, not be bothered, or come up with solution to a dilemma (or annoyance). That's my hope this time.

I got news on one aspect of my life, and when I got it, I felt like it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I mean, for fuck's sake... We were always being asked to do more with less, even when money matters weren't so terrible. We were always being told to be creative, to serve, to think about the profession, and bla bla blah, but it didn't really bring more support our way. If anything, we've recently been shown that we literally are being starved out like a colleague of mine suspected. So my disgrunted former colleague was right when he told me we were going to barely get enough money to keep the lights on! It wasn't him having a serious bone to pick with our employer.

We have a lot of unfilled positions that are now permanently closed. Our building's staff has been reduced by 33% in the past 4 years and our budget was just cut 40%. We also have a lot of retirements looming, and we bet those positions also won't get filled. I'll take a wild guess that whoever fills those positions won't get the salary the people made. And, professional development has been so dismal that training the people who do remain would be a seriously uphill (or should I say up-slope) process because PD hasn't been encouraged (and people don't show interest in it besides although it's essential for our rapidly changing field).

Gee, let's not bring up the interpersonal scrapes and collisions I've had in this damn building over the years. I'm capable of leading, but it's hard for me to do with what I've seen and experienced here. It's even harder because of the low regard the building has in the bigger institution. We'd need a chingon (one seriously influential head MF in charge) to change so many things around. In the wee likelihood I'd be tapped to lead, well, I definitely can't be that chingona with the history and lack of support.

I have those facts coupled with the one where I didn't realize my apathy was in fact a symptom of burnout. When I burn out, I need to recoup, re-nourish, and eventually get some wind back in my sails. Someday I can feel some of the enthusiasm I felt about my profession maybe 6 years ago.

I knew I abhored the dynamics of where I am but didn't move. I like this region a lot and I own a home. I also figured I'd only have to put up with the same old personalities, politics, and dynamics which may be more or less worse than where I've been. I decided it wasn't worth it to move on. However, something recently poked me and said, "you've got to have hope!"

I can't control when a damn internal gear shifts to the special one I call "this is fucking bullshit!" That's when my mind is made up and only divine intervention can change it. I usually am not conscious of being in that gear until I'm in it, but I think I'm getting more aware of what puts it there. Hell yeah, I can see exactly what compelled that shift! It sounds jarring, but once things are in gear, I usually feel a sense of decisive confidence about what I set out to do. It doesn't mean things will turn out smoothly; there's bumps along the way for sure, but the feeling of accomplishing a big task brings a lot of quiet satisfaction.

I felt hopeful when I applied for that other job. My chest and mind fill with fresh air. Yes, I can do that job, and I'd be good at it! I think it's a place I'd like to be! Possibilities? Oh, my, I like those! I even applied to a damn place where I've applied multiple times (and got 2 interviews). Maybe the person who jinxed me with that place moved on and my chances as a contender may be a good thing.

Then, I got notice that a big mover and shaker will be leaving our institution. They had a big part to play, had only been here less than 2 years, and now they are moving on? Maybe it's a sign.

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. It never hurts to just try.

...and then she either grew wings, or realized she never had any.

downwind | upstream